Father's Influence

Since this week was Father's Day in Spain and we are currently living in Barcelona, I thought it only fitting to write a post about it.

• How has your relationship with your father shaped your expectations of your husband as a spouse, but also as a father to your children?

• How has it affected who you as a father?

• How has it impacted your life in general?

• How has it framed your view of God?

Maybe you've never really thought about it.

Let's do it together. 

We often hear about the importance of a child's early development, especially during the formative years from birth to age eight. During this time, children absorb information at an astonishing rate and experience rapid cognitive, social, emotional and physical growth, laying the neural foundation that will shape a child's future. Consequently, both positive and negative experiences during the first five years play a profound role in influencing a child's brain development.

As humans, we can't simply shake off this formative time when we become mothers or fathers. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we find ourselves uttering phrases our mother or father said to us. Or we adopt exactly the same approaches as they did.

Perhaps we vow to do the exact opposite and feel relieved because the painful memory of becoming the same is just too hard to fathom. Unfortunately, neither approach is born of freedom.

I recently walked with a mother on this very issue. At first, the primary question was different, but as we talked, I quickly realized that the real challenge lay deeper than the current frustration.

The actual situation was frustrating, and while well-meaning friends and acquaintances might agree with her and encourage her to confront her husband about it, that wouldn't have helped her move forward except to increase her anger and frustration. Because the root wasn't really her husband; it was her father and how she felt as a little girl in her own home that catapulted her right back to that memory rather than the current situation with her husband.

There are various  more nuances, but the issue usually runs deeper.

We are actively trying to deal with a NOW matter, only sweeping the upper floor and not looking at the cellar and foundation, that holds it together.

I cannot encourage you more to take these courageous steps toward healing. Although it may feel daunting, facing the pain and addressing the wounds is the first step toward freedom. Uncover and address the underlying issues and traumas that are hindering your personal growth and your relationship with God and others.

There is hope at the end of your journey. It is so liberating and healing to walk powerfully in freedom!

I won't hide the fact that the process is painful, time consuming and requires a lot of energy, but believe me when I say it's nothing, nothing compared to the reward.

In a perfect world, our parents have been given their God given role to be our first role models a reflection of the trinity. 

We don’t live in the perfect world, and you might or might have not grown up in a ideal setting. I didn’t. 

So either your dad for example showed a beautiful reflection of God the father to you, or not. This will eventually cloud the way you see God.

Fathers have a mandate to provide security, affirm identity, and offer provision.

If your father left you or was often absent, any inattention on your husband's part - whether it's staying out late or constantly checking his smartphone - not only upsets you because of the current situation, but also takes you back to your childhood when you felt abandoned. These actions on your husband's part evoke something deeper. But we often don't see it right away. We excuse our behavior by blaming our spouse for the problem.

Watch yourself during a confrontation:

Are you overreacting?

Are you escalating the situation?

Perhaps you have never been able to please your father?

If your husband hasn't yet mastered the art of empowering your children, the lack of encouragement triggers deeper wounds, causing you to project your hurt onto him even more. As he progresses in his role as father, your primary concern is that your children will inherit the same wounds you carry, so you actively reflect them, often verbalizing your concerns.

Perhaps your father was excessively anxious and thus greatly restricted you. Any cautious expression from your husband now plunges you back into the same feelings you experienced as a child.

Or what about how the relationship between your mother and father affects your current relationship, or lack thereof? Perhaps you grew up with only one parent or were raised in an orphanage.

What is your view of a healthy marriage?

Our senses are often clouded by the example our parents left us. How did they handle conflict? Was it loud and emotional, or secretive and hidden? Perhaps your parents never argued in front of you, and now that your husband seems to pick fights at every turn, you are shocked and saddened, perhaps even questioning your relationship, because your parents never modeled conflict.

There are countless scenarios; you may find yourself in one, or you may add a few more.

Consider whether your frustration with your husband is triggered not only by his behavior, but also by wounds from your past with your father.

While there may be valid reasons for your frustration, your first step should be to dig deeper to make sure you are not reacting out of past hurts and to seek complete healing.

Holy Spirit will take you on a journey; He is patient and kind. He will reveal even hidden memories, root issues and wounds that you may not be aware of.

He has been doing this for me for years, and just recently He revealed an issue that I wasn't even aware of. Now, after over 15 years of inner healing and experiencing the freedom He provides, I find myself saying "bring it on" when He reveals something new - sometimes more reluctantly than other times. But I see it as an opportunity for growth, intimacy with Him, restoration, forgiveness and healing. It is powerful!

So how do you begin?

Simply ask Holy Spirit about the problem you find yourself repeating, feeling trapped in, or unable to change. What is the root issue? Sit with Him and listen. Write down what you hear in your journal.

He will guide you step by step. It's usually not a one-time event, but an ongoing journey with Him - leaning on His chest and taking His hand in complete trust.

Remember, He will never leave you nor forsake you. You are never too much for Him.

Then ask Him to reveal the lies you are believing. 

Write them down.

Ask for his truth and write them down as well, this will be your treasure.

As you are on this journey, forgive the people He brings to your attention. Forgiveness is a powerful tool on our journey to healing and freedom. I often believe that we haven't yet grasped its power yet.

You might feel the need to break off soul ties if so, do it. Just the other day we had a powerful encounter after one woman broke off a soul ties, she felt instantly free and her pain in her foot left.

If you are anything like me before my first inner healing, you may be reluctant to really bring up the hurts of your past or even feel comfortable talking about your father in a vulnerable and open way.  Growing up, I rarely, if ever, talked about my parents. It felt almost taboo, like I was betraying them. I struggled with the idea that I would disrespect them if I spoke.

Needless to say, it took me some time during my first inner healing session to overcome this justification and just let my feelings out.

It's important to understand that addressing these issues is not about disrespecting your parents or father in this case. Instead, it's about bringing things to light so that healing can take place. We can't forgive abstract concepts; it's not as simple as saying, "I forgive everything.

Take courageous steps and you'll see that the result is truly glorious.

You might feel a little overwhelmed and not sure where to start, you can book inner healing sessions with us anytime and we would love to be on the journey with you, as Holy Spirit reveals, heals, sets free and delivers.