Couch Time
As I grow older and offer support to more parents, I witness a gradual drifting apart of the deep love they once shared. This experience convinces me of the necessity to return to the fundamentals of our commitment.
It deeply saddens me to learn about couples who don't make it, and there is no condemnation for those going through a painful separation or divorce. However, it pains me to see the extensive destruction it leaves in its wake.
Separation affects far more people than we realize at first. First, it strikes us. We deal with shattered hopes and perhaps feelings of disappointment and hurt, especially if there was infidelity involved. We often think of our children first, wondering about the impact on their lives. Will they be able to cope with our decision? Will it leave a permanent scar on their hearts? These questions weigh heavily on our minds as we navigate the complexities of separation and its aftermath.
Absolutely, the ripple effect of separation goes far beyond the immediate family. Extended family, friends, co-workers, and even community acquaintances all feel the impact. The devastation permeates social circles and reaches everyone to some degree. Each person accumulates a piece of the aftermath, large or small. It's rare for anyone to remain unaffected by the echoes of a breakup. Even those who dismiss it with statistics or resigned acceptance eventually struggle with the profound loss of hope that accompanies it.
While I don't want to add to the burden you may already be carrying, it is important to acknowledge that even in the midst of pain and shame, there is hope. I don't know your story, and there is no judgment here. My goal is to guide parents to a proactive attitude of hope.
If you resonate with this message, if you feel the weight of shame and the pain of brokenness, I encourage you to take this opportunity to lay it all at the feet of Jesus. Today can be the day you lay down your hopes, your dreams, your frustrations, your anger, and your shame. Whether you've been on a healing journey for some time or are just beginning to explore these depths, there is an invitation to cast yourself before the Bridegroom.
Should you need support along the way, don't hesitate to reach out. It's worth breaking free from the emotions and bonds that have held you back, for the sake of your own life, the lives of your children, and the generations to follow, all of whom are crying out for healing and a legacy washed in His blood.
THERE IS HOPE!
For his fountain of mercy has given us a new life—we are reborn to experience a living, energetic hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1. Peter 1:3
Returning to the essence of commitment, for those of you navigating the intricate dance of relationships and family dynamics, it's easy to get lost in the whirlwind of demands and expectations. We're bombarded with messages that tell us we can have and be everything, urging us to seize every opportunity within reach. But deep down, we know this isn't the truth.
His kingdom isn't built on fulfilling our fleshly desires; it's about surrendering to a higher purpose, worshipping the one true God who reigns supreme. Often, what seems like self-promotion can mask itself as fulfillment, but God reminds us that this isn't His way.
In John 15:13 it is written:
For the greatest love of all is a love that sacrifices all. And this great love is demonstrated when a person sacrifices his life for his friends.
We're reminded of the greatest love of all—the love that sacrifices everything. Sacrifices are part of love, whether it's giving up personal desires for the sake of a relationship or prioritizing the needs of our children above our own. We shouldn't be lured into the trap of trying to do and have it all.
Instead, we're called to fix our attention on God, as Romans 12:2 puts it.
Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.
This verse reminds us not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. My daily prayer has become: "Show me, Lord, where I am too adjusted to the culture, where I am imitating the ideals and opinions of the world. I want to be inwardly transformed by Your Spirit." Being open to God's transformation requires humility and a willingness to receive His guidance. It's not a quick fix but a gradual process of leaning into His calling and allowing Him to lead us into deeper waters where true freedom is found. So, let's lay ourselves before the Lord, asking Him to reveal any areas where we've strayed from His path, and embracing His transformative power in our lives.
This has gone very deep very quick and it’s only been the preface for Couch Time, we haven’t even taken about this beautiful tool it’s a tool not a religion, it doesn’t have to be called that way nor does it need to take place on a couch at a certain time.
You can work around it, but keep your connection a daily priority.
I know it best myself. When the kids were little, we struggled to sit peacefully on the couch for just a few minutes without being interrupted every second. Our little ones literally competed for our attention. We're annoyed, frustrated, and see no visible success, because we often give up too early.
Honestly, I often notice in conversations that parents perceive this kind of love affirmation with raised eyebrows:
"What!? 10 – 15 minutes on the couch should make a difference. I'd rather take care of my kids first, whom I don't see enough anyway, and then I can devote myself to my wife/husband. We're adults and we know we're important to each other. Spending time together comes automatically, right?"
Whether you really find the time for each other then, I'll leave that open. Examine yourself if it happens so automatically, but out of experience it doesn’t over time.
Or expectant parents with their first baby can hardly take me seriously because 10-15 minutes sounds so short and they definitely don't need it because they’d love to spend all day glued to each other. After all, their love is so strong. Have you ever said that? I have!
Then came one child, the second, and the third... Today, 23 years later, I am more than grateful that I was able to get to know and apply this tool early on.
It was anything but easy to stick with it—for us and the kids—but once this new routine became a fixed part of our day, we strongly felt how much this positively affected everyone involved.
In our case, my husband sees the kids much less, and when he comes home, the joy on both sides is very great. The desire to spend as much time together as possible is legitimate and important.
Automatically, the children come first and then the wife/husband. In our minds, however, it's clear from the beginning that the partner is more important, because that relationship was there first, and the children don't just benefit from that relationship, no, they draw all of their security from it. When mom and dad are doing well, their little worlds are great!
Over time, this new habit not only establishes itself in action but also in words. The "I love Daddy" or "I love Mommy" talk is visible to the children because they see you prioritizing each other.
Maybe you are saying, wait, no, my children are more important, they are dependent on me, my husband/wife is an adult and all my affection goes to the kids first, they are a part of me.
It may sound heroic at first glance, but the consequences lead to the certain death of the relationship.
Dramatic, I know. But if there's no life, it withers away over time, and then you don't know what caused it in the first place.
Drifted apart - which means "the connection was missing", and isn't that the reason many spouses get divorced - irreconcilable differences, which often have to do with growing apart?
Of course, I'm not saying that couch time is the only way to stay connected because you can practice it religiously without putting your heart into it. But it's certainly a powerful tool to actively engage in dialogue every day, even if it's "only" 10-15 minutes at certain times.
Instead of turning away, you regularly turn toward each other.
Or do you avoid confrontation with your spouse by escaping to the children?
So examine yourself: Is couch time still a regular part of your life? Or can't you remember the last time you sat quietly with your partner? Stick with it. Something so small can really make a big difference in the health of the entire family!
It pays to be proactively connected. Don't wait until you feel like it, love is not a feeling, make a decision to give it your all and invite God to be your guide and strength.