20 Essential Questions Before Starting a Family - Part 1 -

This list is by no means exhaustive, but it's a starting point for important discussions before starting a family. While there may be many more questions you could add, these are the ones that have been consistently overlooked or only briefly touched upon in my experience supporting parents over the years. Often we invest a great deal of time and energy in preparing for the arrival of a baby - from learning about their growth and development, to purchasing newborn essentials, to dreaming about the future - all of which is wonderful and so necessary. However, I believe it is critical to address questions and start the conversation before taking such a significant step.

Because there is still this myth going around that babies will fix an already broken or cracked marriage or relationship. I honestly don't know how that still holds up. Babies bring so much joy, but they are a huge responsibility. They are not an accessory or a new car or even a puppy that adds to our enjoyment. They are work and they reveal your innermost being, mostly things we didn't even know we carried; they expose it all.

Yes, they are a gift, a blessing, and a reward, but not glue for a broken relationship.

So engaging in these discussions can reveal a lot about each other and provide an opportunity to seek the healing we all need. I've seen many couples face challenges later in life that lead to unfortunate breakups due to their inability to communicate about finances, deep childhood traumas, the effects of generational patterns that catch up sooner than expected and so much more.

My primary goal is to encourage dialogue. This moment, right now, is the best time to have these conversations because you never get time back, especially once a family is established. The dynamic changes significantly when children enter the picture.

And if you find yourself wishing you'd had this information earlier, but feeling it's too late, I want to assure you that it's never too late. Bring these questions to your partner and discuss them openly. Addressing these issues before having children will not solve everything; it is a journey - a journey of growth, healing, and transformation. Today is the ideal day, whether you're considering starting a family or navigating the challenges of raising teenagers.

There is hope

I invite you to dive deep, but let's make it beautiful. Let's create a special date night with all your favorite foods, candlelight, beautiful napkin, maybe a little glass of wine and more.

So here we go, I will share some nuggets and stories along the way and while we did look at some issues before we had kids, we did not talk about everything, but they eventually came up and we had to deal with them then.

1.Why now?

This may seem like an odd question, since there really is no perfect time, but asking it can lead to interesting insights. In our case, it was about God's timing. As a wife, I felt the desire to have children earlier than my husband. He wasn't on board right away; he wanted to enjoy the double salary and no kids a little longer. It wasn't until we were in New Zealand that God spoke to him, and he knew it was time. This was the right moment for us. Not nagging him to agree, but waiting for God to reveal.

2. How will we find time for our relationship?

Again, this is so important because no matter how strong your relationship is, do you know how many parents lose each other after having children? I don't know either, :-) but I have seen the danger of making it all about the baby, then the child, then the preschooler, then the pre-teen, then the teenager, and it never ends. It doesn't have to result in divorce, but emotional separation is common.

We attended a pre-baby class and learned all about keeping our love alive by keeping God in the center, daily couch time, date nights, and more to help us stay connected through all the different stages of parenting.

3. How will we parent our children?

This is a big one! We may think it shouldn't be on the same level as getting a new stroller or other pre-baby preparations, but once that little one enters our lives, we slowly discover just how important it is.

You're starting a family with someone who has been raised very differently, so finding common ground and unity will be your journey from now until forever or until they grow up. :-)

This is true for our story; my husband and I grew up with a very different style of parenting. I don't think we were as aware of this before we had children, but we soon found out that we had to find our own way - not just our parents' way, or even the opposite of theirs but our own unique approach.

4. If we run into problems and challenges in our relationship or parenting, will we seek get help?

This is not an immediate yes for everyone. We still sometimes feel like failures when we need help. But thankfully that is changing. Seeking help shouldn't be a last resort, but rather a proactive investment in your relationship and parenting. It is so much easier to support you before everything falls apart.

We're all doing this for the first time; how are we supposed to know how to? And when we have more children, each one is unique. To think that you'll have it all figured out by the time you're expecting your third child is just not true. Seeking help is a power move. I encourage you wholeheartedly, it helped us so much!

5. How will we both have the personal time to recharge?

It's important that when you become a mom or a dad, you don't stop being a wife, a husband, but you also don't stop being a friend, an uncle, a daughter, a sister... What are the things you enjoyed doing before you started a family? While there may be a pause and you cannot do everything at once, what do you still need to recharge?

This was a very important discussion for us to have. My husband, being an extrovert and having a band at the time, needed to know that he'd still be able to practice with his friends in the future. For me, the introvert, I needed some alone time, which became my Saturday mornings.

6. How well do we deal with conflict resolution?

There are so many shades to this question, and how your parents handled it usually plays a role. When it's not good, which was the case for us. My husband does not like conflict and I was the peace maker in my own home, we had to learn. With every twist and turn, with the many changes in parenting and the ages of our children, we still are.

7. How many children do we want?

This will probably be a quick answer, which doesn't mean you'll agree. Agree to take it one step at a time. For us, we envisioned having two children, and a boy and a girl seemed perfect until we felt God's nudge that we weren't complete. Always keep God in the center and ask for His revelation, you will never regret it. 

8. What are the ways you liked the way you were raised and what would you do different?

This discussion will bring so much insight into your spouse's upbringing, maybe you already know a lot, but this will give even more depth, it will probably be a topic you need to think about longer. We will go deeper into trauma on #9, but for now, if you don't want to do anything out of hurt and haven't healed yet, get help and healing not only for yourself but for the generations to come. It is worth it.

9. Do you carry trauma from your upbringing?

I know this is not always easy. There are times when we are not even aware of it. My first inner healing session revealed so much to me that I didn't even know I had. I'd encourage you to begin your healing journey. The longer I work with parents, the more I am convinced that these are invitations to walk into fullness, to walk into His complete freedom. For it's for the sake of freedom that He has set us free. (Galatians 5:1) You may be carrying generational trauma, and while we don't have time here to go deeper, it is powerful for you to take a stand before God and let Him shower you with freedom and healing and a generational line washed in the blood of Jesus.

You might need someone to walk along side of you! This has helped us a lot.

10. What are you looking forward to in having a family?

What a beautiful question to pause on today. Next week we will dive into the second half and continue our exploration of these important topics. Stay tuned for more insights and discussion.

I wasn't able to go as deep as I would have liked on each question, but the goal is really for you to go further. 

For now, let's focus on the first half. While I suggested setting up a nice date night, it's important to revisit most of these questions. These are not just one-time discussions, but ongoing conversations that deepen our understanding and connection.

If you feel uncomfortable after any of this, please go deeper with Holy Spirit and ask Him to reveal the wounds, ask a trusted friend to come alongside you, find a counselor, or book an inner healing session!

Sometimes we get so focused on our own family that we lose sight of the bigger picture, that there is healing and soul ties that need to be broken off, that there is a legacy that must be built and washed clean.