20 Essential Questions Before Starting a Family - Part 2 -
This is part two of our latest blog post. If you haven't had a chance to read part one, I highly recommend that you do so before diving into this installment.
As I mentioned earlier, the topics covered here are not exhaustive. They are meant to serve as a starting point for important discussions before embarking on the journey of starting a family, or even if you already have one. It's never too late to dive into these kinds of discussions and find common ground, and unity in parenting, but feel free to add your own questions as you see fit, tailoring the conversation to your unique circumstances and values.
11. What are you fearful of in starting a family?
Addressing concerns about starting a family is critical but often overlooked. It's natural to focus on the excitement and anticipation, but acknowledging and discussing apprehension is just as important.
For example, my husband and I had open conversations about his concerns about the financial implications of raising a child on one salary and the potential impact on our lifestyle, such as reduced travel opportunities. These discussions allowed us to face concerns head-on and find practical solutions together.
12. How do we deal with finances as a couple?
The process of dealing with different beliefs and expectations about finances can be eye-opening. At first, my husband and I assumed that our love would naturally overcome any obstacles. Have you ever said that? :-) However, as we delved deeper into discussions, we realized that our upbringing and beliefs significantly shaped our perspectives on also the aspect of finances.
While we may not resolve everything in a single evening, fostering awareness of each other's perspectives is essential.
13. What are we going to do about childcare?
Deciding on childcare is a crucial step that parents often need to take well before the arrival of a baby. In Switzerland, for example, it's recommended that daycare be secured before conception - indicating how seriously childcare is taken in some places.
Regardless of location, the approach to child care deserves careful consideration. It's not just a logistical matter, but a decision that reflects a family's values and priorities. Treating it as a joint venture is an effective approach.
By approaching child care as a team, couples can navigate the complexities of finding appropriate arrangements that meet their family's needs and aspirations. From discussing available options to weighing the pros and cons of different childcare arrangements, working together ensures that both partners are actively involved in making decisions that affect their family's well-being.
14. How will we share parenting/home duties?
Parenting is a multifaceted aspect of family life that goes beyond child care. It involves a myriad of tasks and responsibilities-from household chores to managing schedules and everything in between. Whether one parent stays home or works full-time, sharing parenting responsibilities requires careful consideration and open communication.
In our case, we decided that I would stay home with the kids. However, even with this arrangement, we recognized the importance of discussing and sharing other responsibilities to ensure a balanced and equitable distribution of tasks. While some responsibilities naturally fell to me as the primary caregiver, We made it a point to share other commitments based on our strengths, preferences, and schedules.
It's important to have ongoing conversations about parenting responsibilities, taking into account factors such as work commitments, personal preferences, and the needs of both parents and children.
15. How did your parents share the parenting duties?
Exploring how your parents shared parenting responsibilities can provide valuable insights into your own approach to parenting. Reflecting on their dynamic and considering its impact on your upbringing can help you better understand your own preferences and values.
In my case, my mother was also a stay-at-home mom, and looking back, I realize how much her presence positively influenced my upbringing, especially during my teenage years. Having her at home provided a sense of security and support that was invaluable to me. As I embarked on my own parenting journey, I felt compelled to provide a similar environment for my children - a nurturing and stable home life where they could always find comfort and guidance.
In addition, I view motherhood as more than a role-it is a calling and a ministry. This perspective shapes my approach to parenting and reinforces my commitment to being actively involved in my children's lives. Just as my mother's dedication left a lasting impression on me, I strive to leave a similar legacy of love, care, and devotion for my own children.
By reflecting on how our parents shared parenting responsibilities and recognizing the impact it had on us, we can gain valuable insights that inform our own choices and priorities as parents.
16. What families have influenced you positive in the past
Reflecting on the families that have positively influenced us can be incredibly enlightening and inspiring.
For us, there was one particular family that had a profound impact on our perspective on parenting. Witnessing the love, unity, and joy that radiated from their home opened my eyes to the beauty and fulfillment of family life. Their example ignited a passion within me to one day create a similar loving and nurturing environment for my own family.
Before meeting this special family, I knew I wanted to have children someday, but I lacked tangible role models to emulate. However, watching them navigate parenthood with grace, patience, and unwavering commitment filled me with hope and confidence. They became a beacon of inspiration, demonstrating that building a happy and harmonious family is not only possible but immensely rewarding.
17. Where do we stand on crib sleeping or co-sleeping?
Another big Q and big topic that divides people, but don't let it because you will make your own decision. A little caution here, as a mom it's so important not to come in with your preconceived decisions made and your husband can pitch in a little but really you've already made it. Let this and all the other questions be something you do together. If your husband says he wants the baby to sleep in the crib, listen to him if you've already thought about having the baby sleep with you and vice versa.
Remember, the goal is unity in decision-making. Even if one partner is initially leaning toward a particular option, it's important to listen to and respect the other partner's input. Creating a sense of unity and mutual understanding will lay the foundation for a harmonious parenting journey.
In the end, whether you choose crib or co-sleeping, the most important thing is to make a decision that feels right for your family.
18. What are our core values for our families?
Defining core values for your family is a foundational step in shaping the culture and direction of your household. It's about articulating the principles, beliefs, and priorities you want to instill in your children as they grow and develop.
In our pre-baby class, we encourage couples to begin this conversation by envisioning their hopes and dreams for their family. Beyond the basics of providing for their needs, what legacy do you want to leave for your child? What values do you want them to carry with them as they move through life?
This discussion often leads to a deeper exploration of individual priorities and shared aspirations. It's an opportunity to align around shared values and create a clear vision for your family's future.
We suggest jotting down 7-10 core values that resonate with you as a couple. Then, consider how you will teach these values to your child as he or she grows up, adapting your approach to his or her age and developmental stage over the course of 18 years.
This exercise has been transformative for us, providing a roadmap that keeps us focused on our shared vision and goals. It's a reminder that parenting is not just about surviving each day, but about intentionally guiding our children toward a life of purpose and fulfillment.
19. How important are academic achievements for our children?
Determining the importance of academic achievement for our children is an important conversation to have as parents. While it may seem simple, differing perspectives can lead to heated debates if not addressed proactively.
In some households, a college education is the sole focus, while others value the option of learning a trade, which is particularly common in Switzerland. This diversity of perspectives reflects the unique cultural and social norms of our country.
It's important to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Each child has his or her own strengths, passions, and aspirations. While academic success is valuable, it's equally important to consider other paths to success, such as vocational training or entrepreneurship.
As parents, we need to ask ourselves if the pursuit of academic excellence is aligned with our child's goals and ambitions, or if our own desires drive it. It's important to avoid projecting our own desires onto our children or using their achievements as a measure of our own success.
Instead, we should seek God's guidance in discerning our children's paths. By remaining open to His will for their lives, we can help them discover and pursue their unique calling. This requires careful listening, ongoing dialogue, and a willingness to adjust our approach as they navigate their way into adulthood.
20. Do we want to know the gender?
You may be wondering if determining a baby's sex is still a question in today's world. After all, isn't it common for expectant parents to find out? While many do, my husband and I chose not to for each of our three children. Surprisingly, I still have friends who eagerly await the surprise at birth.
It's worth noting, however, that this decision isn't always easy. I've met couples where one partner wanted to know the sex, while the other preferred to keep it a surprise. In such cases, it's important to have an open and respectful discussion, appreciate each other's perspectives, and ultimately come to a decision that feels right for both parties.
As we conclude our discussion of questions to consider before starting a family, remember that these conversations can be valuable even if you're already on the parenting journey. I hope you feel encouraged and hopeful as you reflect on these topics. Families are indeed a beautiful gift from above, and our children are among my most cherished blessings.