Life or Death?

Words of life and the importance of creating a home atmosphere where everyone feels encouraged, strengthened and empowered is essential. After all, where else but within our own four walls can we foster such an environment? Outside, whether in kindergarten or on the school playground, the world can sometimes be harsh for our children; we do not need to bring more of it into our own homes.

We want our homes to be places where we, and especially our children, feel unconditionally accepted, loved, and encouraged.

How do we do this in practice? If you've been a parent for more than five minutes, you know that it's not just about having good ideas, it's about being intentional. We have to make sure that what we want to teach becomes a reality in our homes, not just a great concept.

Words kill words give life, they are either fruit or poison, you choose. Proverbs 18:21

We all know that our words have power. Perhaps we've experienced it firsthand as the words of our parents or siblings have deeply influenced us, either positively or negatively.

In our parenting seminars, it's often chilling to hear how negative words from the past continue to influence and shape us as adults. Perhaps you've thought about what your own parents said to you. Unfortunately, it doesn't even have to be spoken regularly to leave a lasting mark.

This was the case with the young girl who was told by her brother that she was stupid. She carried this with her for years, shaping her life to stay in the background so as not to be noticed. For years she believed she was stupid, so much so that she hid it from her husband and friends. Or the boy who revealed to his father that he wanted to be a musician, only to be dismissed with the comment that it wouldn't make any money and that he should learn a decent job instead. Unconsciously, the boy decided to stop involving his father in his dreams.

These two examples, and countless others we've heard, illustrate the profound effect our words have on children.

Now let's learn to speak life and recognize the deadly words in our homes.

It all starts by being honest and real

What is the tone of your home? Is it negative, positive or neutral? Unfortunately, neutral isn't necessarily positive. You might think, "I'm not saying anything negative," but does that make it better?

I suggest it doesn't. Let's look at an example: If you never tell your child that they are stupid, but you also never tell them that they have a bright mind, what do you think they hear?

Fortunately, we don't have to stay stuck in our old patterns; we can become free, because as adults we choose what thoughts we allow and what we say.

Let's make this our daily prayer.

Set a watch over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to evil, so that I may be a partner in evil with the wicked; do not let me eat their delicacies. Psalm 141:3-4

Let's move on after you have answered this question truthfully for your own life and home atmosphere:

We are our children's role models

Don't look behind you; it's not everyone else, it's you and me. We are our children's role models, and we can't teach them anything we haven't learned ourselves. While this may seem like a daunting responsibility, there is hope-stay with me.

Parenting is indeed a great responsibility, and we cannot shy away from it. But you only have to be one step ahead of your child. You don't have to have it all worked out; just work on it one step at a time. It will mean so much more to your child if he or she sees you growing rather than trying to camouflage your shortcomings. Be real, pray, ask for forgiveness, repair what is broken, and grow from there.

You'll be a much stronger example when your children see you moving forward. It will give them a glimpse into the future, and it will teach them to have grace for their own shortcomings.

On the other hand, if you try to play it cool, cover up what you've done wrong, and refuse to acknowledge it, your teen will eventually call you out and lose respect for you. The damage done gets deeper.

If you feel that this is true of you, then follow the steps that I have mentioned: be real, pray, ask for forgiveness, repair your relationship, and grow. Understand that your teen will need to see you walk this path consistently over a long period of time. They won't trust you right away, so be persistent. Don't give up-this is critical for you and your relationship with your child, don't try to shortcut, be humble and true.

Learn-Train-Repeat often

For most of us, speaking life's words doesn't come naturally. Congratulations if it does for you - I find it truly inspiring. For me, however, it didn't. I had to learn, practice them, and repeat them often.

When I first learned about the concept of words of life, I was shocked to realize how often I didn't speak this "foreign language. I even had to Google the antonyms of negative words because I didn't know them. This practice helped me focus on the positive and learn the right virtues. It took repeated effort to engrave these words more deeply than the negative words that seemed to flow naturally.

I've also noticed that some cultures focus more on the negative or critical side of things, and I grew up in one. It's not unique to my background; other cultures do it too.

For example, some cultures predict outcomes by speaking over their children. If a child is running very fast, a parent might say, "Stop, you're going to fall, trip, hurt yourself, cry, etc." Or if a child is standing on a chair, they might say, "You're going to fall. See, you are going to fall. You're going to fall."

Now this may seem to you to be perfectly natural, and you may not see a problem with it at all. But it's important to recognize the power of our words and how they shape our children's perceptions and experiences.

Dr. Caroline Leaf is a neuroscientist who specializes in neuropsychology. In her book, Who Turned Off My Brain? Controlling Toxic Thoughts and Emotions," she states that it takes 21 days for the neural connections associated with a toxic thought to break down and for new connections for a healthy thought to form in the brain. To ensure that the healthy thought continues to have a stable subconscious influence, it takes another 42 days of consistent training. So stay with it and don’t give up.

What names do you give your children?

I am not talking about their first names, which have been carefully chosen for them. But the names they hear from us all the time.

How often do we say: You're messy. You're jealous. You're lazy. You're disruptive. You're too emotional. You're bossy. Your loud....

What name does your child hear from you?

"You're shy" could have been one of the names we could have given our oldest child!

Often we use it as an excuse: "Oh, you know, he's just shy, he probably won't go to the birthday party alone" or "He's shy and can't say hello".

What do those statements do? It becomes their identity. What do you think will happen if you keep saying these statements about your child for years? Maybe it's not even negative, but somehow not positive, like the shy example. It's not negative per se, but who wants to be shy all their life?

From a young age, we challenged our son to take risks, to be brave, and we talked about him being brave. For years. we spoke words of life and celebrated his successes. Of course, there were many challenges he didn't dare face, but at least he tried. That, too, strengthened his "bravery muscle." We told him he was our brave boy and we knew he could do it. The trust and faith of parents allows children to spread their wings. Now, 19 years later, our son has grown into a brave young man and we are so glad we realized the power of words early on. How wonderful it is to be able to change and strengthen such matters within the security of the family.

You too can begin to do this.

What names have you unknowingly given your child?

There is a better way to emphasize virtue.

"I know you'll be very neat one day, it's in you!"

"I know you can be happy for others!"

Emphasize your children's strengths. You are brave, you are patient, you are compassionate, you are helpful, you are reliable, you are responsible, you are strong, you are kind...

As parents, it's important to speak life to them, to point them in the direction they should go, to speak prophetically in faith what you don't yet see.

As parents we should focus on the unseen, get a heavenly perspective on our child, not get stuck in the here and now, the frustration of the present.

I encourage you to get a prophetic name for your child.

Take a few minutes to listen to Holy Spirit and ask Him for each child.

It changes so much. Make your home a safe place where words of life flow freely.

It's not an overnight process, but start taking the necessary steps now; it's SO worth it.