Mixed Messages

We’ve all heard how important communication is also in parenting, not just in a relationship, friendships and even in your workspace, no also in speaking to your children.

It is essential in parenting for several reasons.

First, open and honest communication builds trust and strengthens the bond between parents and children, making them feel valued and understood. This secure bond is essential for their emotional well-being. Clear communication helps children understand expectations, rules, and boundaries, which reduces misunderstandings and encourages cooperation in family routines. That’s why it is crucial to be consistent in your communication style. When "yes" consistently means "yes" and "no" means "no," children learn much more quickly and effectively. Inconsistency in communication can confuse children, making it harder for them to understand expectations and boundaries. This inconsistency can harm their ability to trust and rely on their parents' words, leading to uncertainty and insecurity.

Parents who communicate effectively also model good communication skills for their children, which supports their social and emotional development. Open communication is key to resolving conflicts and addressing issues within the family, and promotes a collaborative approach to problem solving. It also supports learning and development by providing guidance, support and feedback that helps children understand the world and their place in it.

Positive communication techniques, such as praise and constructive feedback, encourage desirable behavior and reinforce good habits. Regular and open communication allows parents to identify potential problems early, whether they are emotional, social, or academic, allowing for timely intervention and support. In summary, communication in parenting fosters a healthy, supportive, and nurturing environment that promotes a child's overall development and well-being.

Let’s look at one way how we can sabotage our well-meant approach. You might be thinking how a little word like "okay" can bring about so much confusion.

"Okay"? How often do we use that word? It comes up in so many sentences that we might not even notice it anymore.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Don't forget to call me later, okay?"

"Let me know when you're ready to leave, okay?"

When the word "okay" is used at the end of a sentence, it serves as a confirmation or agreement. It's a way of checking that the listener understands and agrees with the instruction or statement. In this context, "okay" acts almost like a question mark, asking the listener to confirm their understanding or agreement.

Where this gets tricky is in family life. Let me explain.

Consider these questions and ask yourself: do these come up in my parenting?

Mom/Dad: "Jonas, clean up your room before lunch, okay?"

Mom/Dad: "Lara, it's time for bed now, okay?"

Mom/Dad: “Ben, you need to brush your teeth, okay?”

Mom/Dad: “Lilly, we are going to leave now, okay?”

Consider this: does your child truly want to answer "yes" most of the time? If you aim for your children to genuinely respect your authority and follow your instructions, it's crucial to be mindful of how you communicate with them. Avoid unintentionally complicating their obedience! Instructions should be clear directives, not disguised as questions. Otherwise, your child may perceive that they have the choice to say "yes" or “no”, and that's where problems arise.

You are, for example, asking Jonas to clean up his room before lunch, adding the little "okay" to the sentence more for your certainty that he heard you, rather than as a choice for him to answer "no," which Jonas is probably more inclined to do.

When he does, we have an issue. In our heads, it usually translates into "don’t be disobedient; I told you to clean up your room, and you will do it right away." We might add another "okay," to which our child replies more annoyed, "no way, I do not want to." This can quickly result in a power struggle where you feel disrespected, and he feels not understood. Didn’t you ask in the first place if I wanted to clean up my room?

Let’s start by observing if this ever comes up in your instructions with your children. Be mindful this week to catch this mixed message we are sending our children.

If you feel like this little word has crept into your communication way too often, we will talk about a better way.

Just being aware of this will make a big difference.

Thank God we have heard about this before our children were toddlers, so I was mindful at first of how I communicated with them, especially when it was an instruction and not a question. I really saw what a big difference it makes. It doesn’t mean that you have to put on your firm voice, but just rephrase it like this:

Mom/Dad: "Jonas, please clean up your room before lunch!"

Mom/Dad: "Lara, it's time for bed now!"

Mom/Dad: “Ben, you need to brush your teeth now!”

Mom/Dad: “Lilly, we are going to leave in 10 minutes!”

See, it’s not a big change or shift, just a little adjustment to how you communicate with your child. Your voice doesn’t go up at the end of the sentence to indicate it’s a question to be answered. It’s an instruction; they can still say, "No, I don’t want to," which they probably will, and that’s absolutely okay because they are children. However, we are helping them by providing clear communication.

If you are noticing that this is a bigger issue in your home, don’t despair; there is always hope. Be encouraged; it may take some retraining, but you will get there. Apologize to your children if the "okay" slips out again. Also, share with them what you’ve learned if they are old enough to understand. Take it one day at a time.

But I have promised you a better way, and there is.

As already mentioned, the 'okay' at the end of a sentence is often used by us to ensure that our children heard and understood the instruction.

So, before giving an instruction:

• Approach them.

• Make eye contact.

• Address them by name; this usually gets their attention.

• Then give your instructions.

For example:

Mom: "Camille."

Camille: Looks at Mom.

Mom: "Please clean up your toys before dinner; we are eating soon."

Camille: Responds with 'Yes' or 'No.'

This is a better way. But do you want to know an even better way? Let’s aim for excellence in this.

Teach your children a verbal response.

Too often we speak to empty rooms, calling them from the kitchen or living room. We raise our voices because there is no response, quickly lose patience and rush into the room.

Firstly, always go to them whenever possible, make eye contact, and teach your children a verbal response, such as "Yes, Mommy" or "Yes, Daddy." You can customize it to fit your family.

However, make sure to take an afternoon to make it a fun teachable moment. Get as creative as you can. Kids love fun, teachable moments rather than serious, sit-down school-type moments.

Teach them this new concept of respect by encouraging a verbal response when you call their name.

I told our kids, "This is our game for the afternoon: whenever I call your name, you run - the quicker, the better, but safety first (our kids love a little race) - and respond with 'Yes, Mommy.' We played this game the entire afternoon, calling each name and rewarding correct responses with a pop of an M&M into their mouth. You can adjust it to fit your family dynamics. Still, we love a little chocolate in our home, especially during teachable moments, as we do not have it often, making everything more exciting.

In the following days, remind them of the game and the importance of the verbal response. Now it’s all about consistency on both sides, but mostly yours. Stick with it; when they do not reply, wait patiently.