Do you know your Child?

I'm sure I'm getting a couple of perfectly threaded, nicely laminated eyebrows lifted, accompanied by their male counterparts saying, "Of course I do, after all, it’s my child."

So, if I were to ask you to rate yourself on a scale of 0 to 10, would you pick 10, indicating that you know your child best?

I’m sure you know your child’s favorite color, preferred foods, and dislikes. You probably know their best friend, favorite activities, and other such details. These are the easier questions.

But what about their love language? Their temperament? Their strengths and weaknesses? What’s in their heart? What brings them joy? What makes them sad or angry? What are their dreams and desires?

Do you know your child? Do you know all your children? Knowing a child is challenging. We have three. How many do you have?

Your child's age also makes a difference. Knowing a 2-year-old is different than knowing a 14-year-old.

Your two-year-old is mostly at home with you. Your teenager is often out and about, socializing with friends. You might not always be aware of what they are doing or what they choose to share with you.

Perhaps even after living with your children for eighteen years, truly understanding and knowing them remains a challenge. In the rush to meet the endless demands of daily life, parents often forget the importance of asking questions and listening empathetically, missing opportunities to capture the authentic core of who their children are.

Delving deeper is no quick job. However, if we are to help them reach their full potential, it becomes vital to know them.

So, once more, it won't happen naturally or as effortlessly as we'd hope. You might easily answer the initial questions, but what about going further?

Ask yourself: Does my son really like soccer because he loves it and his heart is in it, or has it always been my dream for him to play soccer? Does my daughter really want to do ballet, or have I always imagined sitting at her ballet recitals and watching her? Does my son really want to learn the guitar, or would he rather play the drums? Maybe my daughter wants to play soccer and my son wants to join a dance group?

I am sure you are seeing that this knowing thing goes deeper than just being able to tick off some boxes.

Do you really know your child?

Many children may fulfill their parents' wishes because they understand that it is important to them and they receive recognition for doing so. They may also appreciate the opportunity to spend quality time with their parents. And all of this is happening unconciously. But is this really what fuels THEIR passion? How do you find out? Just ask them and observe.

But before you do, let me take you on a little journey.

Take a few moments and ask Holy Spirit: "Is there anything within me that holds a fixed idea about my child's life? Am I trying to fulfill a dream that I couldn't achieve myself, or am I using my child as a trophy for my own validation? Is this ultimately more about me and less about them?"

In a study headed by Eddie Brummelman, PhD, of Utrecht University in the Netherlands, researchers learned that parents who focused on their own unfulfilled ambitions — as opposed to focusing on the ambitions of someone they knew — were more likely to want their kids to follow the same dreams they did. Most of the parents who thought this way were also unable to see their kids as individuals, as opposed to extensions of themselves.

One parent who had such a problem explained, “The overbearing part isn’t like outright aggression, it’s more (of) a subtle push to have them embrace the sport that has defined my life, and hopefully succeed where I failed.”

Do ask those courageous questions and give space to conviction. It’s not too late to turn this ship around.

Or do you really want your child to be your puppet when our Heavenly Father has a clear plan and future for them?

He has given each of us a unique purpose, and we should not burden our child with the weight of our own unmet expectations, especially if we feel we've fallen short..

How could we ever compete with His masterful plan?

Let's take a step back and gain some perspective. Divine perspective.

Write it all down and process. At the same time, jot down the things you feel have been taken from you or where you perceive you’ve failed. Allow Him to shed light on these areas, receive healing so that the infection doesn't spread to the next generation.

I didn't have clear expectations, or so I thought, because they weren't academic, nor leisure, but there were still some lurking ideals that I first had to let go of to receive His perspective.

This is about you first and then about getting to know your child. Please be completely honest. I know we are not acustomed to do the deep work and especially not while reading a blog, but do give it a chance, it is worth it!

Put your cookie cutter aside; it might be too small for your child. Once you've reflected on your expectations and brought them to light, take the time to really get to know your child by asking questions like:

"Do you enjoy going to soccer practice, or would you rather do something else during that time?""Do you like going biking with me, or what would bring you more joy during that time?""If you could play any instrument, which one would it be?""If we had an hour right now, what would you like to do with me?"

When we get extra time, we often take our kids to our hobbies and call it quality time, but we miss out on really getting to know them. I love my free Saturday mornings, which I can enjoy with a city stroll followed by coffee and a book. But I know that my daughters won't enjoy this as much as I do. They are both very unique. A copy-paste, "let's have some meaningful time together where I'm the only one having a good time" is not going to work.

Take time this week for your older children. Ask them these questions, take them on a date, or sit by the lake, dream together, and get to know your child. Be interested in them. You will reach their heart because they will feel that they can trust you with THEIR wishes.

How wonderful it is when your child can fully trust you and knows that you won't laugh at them or crush their dreams because they don't mean anything to you. How precious it is when parents really know their children.

The older your child gets, the better you will get to know them. Start with the younger ones with small things and build on that. It takes time and attention.

Here's a warning: We're not talking about children who used to enjoy playing the piano but are now going through a difficult phase and no longer want to practice. Or the boy who used to love playing soccer but now prefers hanging out with his friends. In these situations, you teach your child perseverance and sticking with it. But you do that because you know your child and know what they truly like.

I am also not talking about children not wanting to eat those leafy greens, or doing their homework, or chores, I think you get the idea, It's not about your child never having to do something they don't like; it's about imposing your own dreams on them without recognizing their unique gifts and talents.