Biggest Influence

Parents continue to have the greatest influence on the development of their children - whether that influence is intentional or neglected. Raising kids whose behavior brings life into the moment is not a matter of chance, but of intentional parenting.

I am sure you’ve already witnessed this. As soon as your toddler starts to speak, they mimic you. This continues with your preschooler's language and your teen's attitude.

The question is, do you really believe that, and does your conviction reflect your actions?

In a culture that often suggests that anyone can take care of our children immediately after maternity leave - whether it's three months or however long it is in your country - we are encouraged to put them in daycare, hire a nanny, or, if we're fortunate, share the responsibility with grandparents. The social norm implies that professional or family child care can replace parental presence and influence seamlessly during these early formative years. We are tempted to believe that we can continue life as before, but now with a child and with little sacrifice. But is this even possible? Should we long for a life before baby?

I remember the transition to being a first-time mom was hard. Yes, there was the physical change that no one can really prepare you for, but also the societal norm for daring to choose a different path. I felt the pressure to go back to work, as if my new mission was not as important, anyone can take care of your son, but we need you at work, you need work.

Even though it was my decision to take a break from a highly paid, more successful job than my husband at the time, with the promise of a quick promotion, I was shocked to find that it was even harder mentally while juggling the physical for me. No recognition, no job well done, no pay, an endless cycle of repetitive routine, while healing from childbirth, even though my experience of delivery was very good, I was confronted with the question, do I really want to do this? It was harder than expected. The temptation to bounce back sounded shockingly more appealing than I had ever thought.

Thank God we made our decisions in advance, before emotions could cloud our judgment. Stick to the decisions you made together in unity, not in the midst of hormonal changes. Our mentors told us to talk about the big and small issues before the baby and get on the same page, as a practice, because this is going to continue for the next 18+ years. What great advice.

So if we believe that we still have the greatest influence on our children, it's worth questioning the decision to entrust them to a random daycare provider (and I don't mean to disrespect, but I honor everyone who steps up to support and empower the next generation), a nanny we just met, or even grandparents. Do we really realize how unique these formative years are? Do we truly want someone else to share this precious time? Do we believe that God has hand-picked us for our child?

Even grandparents, as loving and capable as they are, should be allowed to enjoy their special role without the added responsibility of parenting again. They've already raised their children and deserve to enjoy the joy and pampering that comes with this unique position.

Many parents struggle with relying on grandparents for childcare and often find themselves at odds with their approach to parenting. This can lead to conflict and frustration because the grandparents' values and methods may not be the same as the parents'. It is important to recognize these challenges and find a balance between respecting the supportive role of family members and raising our children according to our own values.

Do we even want to be the greatest influence in our child's life? Perhaps this is where we need to start. Believing we have the biggest influence is one, but truly wanting that responsibility is another. This consideration goes beyond the debate of being a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, or sharing parenting duties with a spouse.

The decision to be actively involved in our child's upbringing should ideally begin before starting a family. While we often focus on discussing names, planning gender reveals, organizing baby showers, and baby moons, we should also prioritize conversations about how to share the responsibilities of raising this precious gift.

Talking about how to balance work and parenting, understanding each other's expectations, and deciding on the values and principles we want to instil in our child are crucial steps. These discussions help ensure that both parents are aligned and prepared to support each other in nurturing their child, creating a strong foundation for the family.

After all, both of you have decided to start a family. Even if the decision felt out of your hands, the blessing remains: you are carrying a reward. Let that sink in.

A gift shouldn't be passed on with just a polite "thank you." This is a gift directly from God. Every child is a gift. Thank God a child's value isn't dependent on being planned or unplanned by their parents, because their story is already written by Him.

Maybe you on the other hand carry this influence around like a heavy backpack, constantly reminding yourself of your failures, or perhaps you're unaware of the responsibility that your actions and words carry. This influence starts from day one of your parenting journey and intensifies as your children grow older.

If you have toddlers who imitate your every step and word, be aware that this dynamic will become even stronger in their teenage years. Your kids may rebel against you and reject your principles if they haven't seen them consistently practiced. Conversely, they may adopt your principles if they have witnessed them steadily in your life over the years.

"… whether this influence is intentional or neglected." Whether you set priorities intentionally and purposefully, taking the time to invest in your children, or you hand them over as often as possible, your influence remains. I meet many parents who give up, thinking, "I can't do anything anyway," or saying, "My child always does the opposite of what I want!" This sentiment often carries into the teenage years when parents throw in the towel regarding screen time and gaming, believing they can’t do anything. Their kids just play games, as everyone else does; it's a new era and we should get used to it.

You, as a mom or dad, can always do something! Passive influence is still influence. Whether it is the kind you want to pass on, I leave that for you to consider.

Don’t cave in, because of the pressure from outside, step up and decide as a family, what are your values? Infuse them into your family. If your values are contrary to seemingly everyone, which often is not true, but honestly feels like it, stand tall and be the light. Other parents will catch your model and gain hope.
Be intentional, make the hard choices, your children won't hug you in gratitude, but they will eventually, over many years, understand why you made those choices.

We are not parenting in the moment, but into the future.

Whether you've already set family goals or never heard of them, it's not too late to start. Take the time to sit down with your spouse or, if you're a single parent, a trusted friend. Together, write down 5-7 family goals and values that you will instill in your children's lives until they leave home.

This approach may seem more attractive to some than others. But hear me out. It doesn’t mean you have to be goal-oriented in everything you do. However, having a goal in mind—just like in any other job—is key in parenting as well. Hoping that luck will favor your child and all worries will disappear is simply not realistic. Just like in a profession, even if parenting is a calling and not a job (since there’s no clocking out after 8.5 hours).

Goals and teachable  moments are wonderful tools in parenting.

You already know his is not for the faint-hearted, but for those who persist every day, even in an age of moral diversity. Parenting is for brave fighters who get up every day to change the world. And I mean that quite seriously, not just as a figure of speech. I firmly believe that we parents can change the world through our role. Parenting is Kingdom work. We can make it a better place by raising children who are not only morally sensitive but also embody a variety of virtues and values and love Jesus.

This is especially important in today's world, where boundaries are blurred and you are increasingly at odds with societal norms. People may look at you strangely if you teach your children to greet people, to be honest, forgiving, and polite. This doesn't make it any easier. There is little consistency in parenting, and many parents change their principles like fashions, depending on what opinion they hear or listen to, or what new study comes out.

We, as parents, need to return to calm, listen to Holy Spirit, sit down with our spouses or best friends and make decisions based on our values and principles. What do we want to pass on to our children? And what decisions do we need to make to support that?

You have been chosen, appointed, and uniquely equipped for your child. Stand strong and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.