Secrets to Talking with Your Child
As parents, we want to know how to encourage open, honest communication, especially with teenagers. Adolescence can be a challenging time, as teens naturally seek more independence while still needing parental support. As they deal with their emotions, relationships and identity, teens may become more withdrawn or hesitant to share their thoughts and feelings with their parents. This is often when we try to control the situation, pushing for answers and not letting go - feeling that we are losing a part of our child.
However, this approach tends to backfire, as teenagers naturally become more closed off. Instead of trying to control the conversation, it is better to focus on creating a safe, open environment where your children feel comfortable talking. The key is to be patient and trust that, in time, the lines of communication will open up when they feel safe.
So let's look at a few helpful ways of doing this.
Not fear, but faith.
Prayer is the most powerful weapon we've received from our Creator. Instead of giving in to fear, choose faith. When parenting feels overwhelming or when you worry about your child's choices, turning to prayer shift the focus from anxiety to trust.
Not control, but patience.
Parenting is not about controlling every aspect of your child’s life, but about guiding them with patience. Patience gives them the space they need to grow.
Not judgment, but empathy.
Instead of passing judgment, try to understand their point of view. Empathy allows you to connect with your child on a deeper level and helps them feel supported, even when they face challenges.
Not a bad reaction, but a calm response.
When your child confides in you or makes a mistake, avoid reacting with anger or frustration. A calm, thoughtful response encourages open dialogue and teaches your child how to handle emotions in a healthy way.
Not criticism, but encouragement.
Focus on highlighting your child’s strengths and efforts, rather than pointing out their flaws. Encouragement builds their confidence and motivates them to keep trying, even when things are difficult.
Not punishment, but guidance.
Discipline should be about teaching, not just punishing. Use mistakes as opportunities to guide your child toward better choices, helping them understand the consequences of their actions in a constructive way.
Not control, but trust.
Trust your child to make decisions, within reason. By showing them that you believe in their ability to handle situations, you empower them to take responsibility and grow into independent individuals.
Not distance, but presence.
Be present, both physically and emotionally. Your consistent presence in their lives builds a strong foundation of trust and security, which is essential for healthy emotional development.
These are ways to create a safe and loving environment, but again, it's not about controlling the situation. It's about letting your child know that you are there for them no matter what. Building this trust early on, while your child is still little, is crucial. Creating an environment of openness and understanding will make their teenage years easier because you've already built a strong foundation of trust.
However, when they reach their teenage years, it's important to remain consistent. It's easy to abandon the well-intentioned advice or values we've built our family on, especially as conversations change, their life choices become more complex and the fear of making bad decisions grows. But sticking to the same pillars of prayer, trust, patience and understanding will help maintain a solid relationship through the challenges of adolescence.
Let's take a closer look at how we can build on our family communication.
Communication personalities
In families with multiple children, you're likely to encounter a variety of personality types, each of which presents unique challenges. For example, your oldest may be quietly enjoying her meal while the youngest is excitedly recounting the day's events. It's important to recognize that everyone's thoughts are important, so create an environment where all children feel encouraged to speak. This often means teaching the more talkative child patience and active listening, while gently encouraging the quieter child to share his or her thoughts. The dinner table is one of the best places to connect and offers countless opportunities to teach valuable lessons. Don't miss this moment when everyone gathers - it's a chance to strengthen bonds and should always be a priority.
Listen Without Judgment
One of the most important things you can do is to listen carefully and without interrupting. Avoid reacting too quickly or with strong emotions, as this may cause your child to shut down. Create a space where they feel comfortable expressing themselves, even if their opinions or feelings conflict with yours. This advice is easier said than done; I know from our own family life where I made the mistake of jumping in too often. You can almost feel the situation, how delicate it is, and how your child will either shrink back or rebel - neither of which is the response you seek.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," try open-ended questions that invite your child to share more. For example, instead of asking, "Did you have a good day?" ask, "What was the best part of your day?" or "How did you feel about this situation at school?" These types of questions encourage them to expand and share more, and are especially helpful for your child who doesn't share much.
Be Available, Not Pushy
Teens are more likely to open up when they feel the timing is right, rather than when they're forced into a conversation. Quantity makes a difference. Make it clear that you're available to talk whenever they need, but avoid being overly persistent. Sometimes the best conversations happen in casual moments, like while driving or doing something together, when the pressure to have a "serious" conversation is off. I've seen this many times, in the heat of the moment when I felt something was going on and asked, yes, I interrogated, it didn't help me one bit, but then suddenly while putting the groceries away or preparing dinner, yes, the car is a great opportunity for those open windows where they share their hearts.
Share About Yourself
Share your own experiences with your children, including your time as a teenager. Talk about the good choices you made, but don't be afraid to mention the bad ones. I've talked about the different colours I've dyed my hair - most of the time it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to and I went around with blue or purple hair. I also remember the time I secretly got a piercing in London without my parents knowing, or the time I thought it was a great idea to smoke a pack of cigarettes with my sister for my birthday in hiding. These stories can help humanise you in your teen's eyes and show them that you're on the same team. It creates a more comfortable and less intimidating space for dialogue, allowing them to open up and share their own experiences without fear of judgement.
Respect Their Privacy
As much as you want to know what's going on in your teen's life, it's important to respect their need for privacy. They need to feel in control of what they choose to share. If they know you won't be nosy or pressure them to reveal everything, they'll be more likely to open up.
Respecting their privacy means not sharing their stories with your friends without their permission. While it's natural for us to talk about the challenges and joys of parenting, there comes a time - often earlier than the teenage years - when children may not appreciate having their stories shared. I often ask my children if it's OK for me to tell something, and while they sometimes say yes, they often say no. This practice not only respects their boundaries, but also empowers them to have a say in what is communicated about their lives.
Avoid Overreacting
When your teen shares something difficult or troubling, try to stay calm. Overreacting or immediately launching into a lecture can make them hesitant to confide in you again. Instead, thank them for trusting you with that information, and offer your support and guidance in a calm, loving manner. These are just a few ways to maintain healthy communication with your teen. There will be times when you feel discouraged, but remember that you're building a lasting relationship that will last beyond your parenting years. No one is in a hurry. Rebuilding trust takes time, and changing habits takes time.
You may find that it's time to rethink your communication skills. Sit with the Holy Spirit and let Him guide you. None of us have it all figured out; we all still desperately need Him, and we shouldn't be stubborn about staying the same, but instead embrace growth. This growth will speak volumes to your teenager.
We often talk about the difficult teenage years, but these years can also bring out the worst in us. It's like a new mirror being held up to us, showing us things we may not like. Instead of pushing that reflection away, take a moment to look into it and let God use this time for your transformation as well.
This has been my story. Every season I'm with my kids, I feel like I'm the one who needs to learn a lesson or two before I can pass it on. In His goodness, He takes us step by step and even uses the challenges of parenting to refine us. How beautiful is that?