Why Parents Should Lead the Conversation About Sex

I get it - talking about sex might not be the conversation you're most excited about. It can feel overwhelming or even scary. Maybe your parents never talked to you about it, you've had some painful experiences, or you're not sure you're the right person to bring it up. Shame may hold you back, or perhaps the very thought of it makes you blush.

How we understand and experience sexuality profoundly affects how we teach it to our children. 

First, think back to how you first learned about sex. Was it from your parents, classmates, pornography, or school? Now think about how you want your children to be taught.

This is an important consideration because we often don't connect our own experiences with what we want to teach our children. It doesn't necessarily come naturally to us, as we may have mixed feelings about the topic, shaped by our past experiences and our current views on and state of our sexuality.

Being aware of your own experience and allowing the Holy Spirit to heal your sexuality is essential. I'll come back to this important point at the end of this blog.

The biggest mistake you can make though is to avoid the subject altogether. Don't let that happen-our children need to learn about this God-given gift from us before it is distorted by the enemy. This is important because the first introduction we have to any subject has a significant impact on us. As humans, most of our behaviours are learned, as opposed to inborn - consider your first contact.

Remember that this is not a one-time conversation. It's an ongoing dialogue. Sometimes you'll be the initiator of the conversation, and sometimes your child will come to you with questions or concerns about what he or she has seen or heard.

Let's get comfortable with the idea. Empower your children. Raise a generation to walk in freedom.

The big question that usually follows is, "When should I initiate the conversation?"

If you think about waiting until the teen years, it's too late. What worked for your parents no longer works.

For many young people, pornography is their introduction to sex. Fifteen percent of teen said they first saw online pornography at age 10 or younger. The average age of first exposure is 12, but many children as young as six have been introduced to pornography.

You might think this is impossible—surely not your child. But a gripping quote I once heard says, "Handing a child a phone is like handing them access to porn.”

Let this sink in.

If that sounds dramatic, consider the pop-ups that appear online.

Why does a young child need to sit with a mobile device all on their own, anyway? Yes, I get it. In today’s tech-driven world, many parents use screens to keep young children entertained or distracted while managing other responsibilities. The problem is that it works too well, which often tempts us to rely on it more and more.

But teaching children to play on their own or to exercise self-control while shopping, eating out, or waiting in a doctor's office is so much healthier than resorting to a device. I know this is a topic for another conversation, but there are better ways that involve teaching and consistency.

These approaches not only help them appreciate the beauty of self-play and self-entertainment, but also protect their eyes and hearts from too much screen time too soon and from harmful content. 

Be the gatekeeper of your child's heart, especially when they're very young. Don't trade a moment of cheap peace by giving them access to the vast and unfiltered world of the Internet, where everything is just a click away. This is a wake-up call for us as parents: we need to be vigilant and proactive - prepared, not fearful.

Avoiding the conversation won't change reality. We can't remain ignorant or naive about this issue. It's time to take back control of our families and overcome our insecurities for the sake of our children's health and well-being.

Let's do it. You can do it!

As you start wrapping your head around having these conversations much earlier than you might have expected—not necessarily because your child is developmentally ready, but because they are constantly bombarded with information from every direction—let's dive into what we need to be aware of.

Stay Calm and Be Prepared: 

If your child asks about sex, gender, positions, or anything else, don’t panic! Your reaction is just as important as your response. It's helpful to think through potential scenarios ahead of time so you won’t be caught off guard. Rehearse if necessary—this can give you a head start when they do come to you. Remember, being prepared is key. Don’t be afraid or dread the moment they ask; they will sense your anxiety. Instead, welcome any questions with calmness. Sometimes you may have to fake it, and that’s okay—you're learning how to handle these moments alongside them. Take a deep breath (inwardly) and pray for guidance and peace.

Your reaction will determine whether you're a safe person to talk to about these sensitive topics. Even if their question surprises you, stay calm and don't make them feel like they've done something wrong. Recognize their curiosity as natural and strive to be their most reliable source of information. Creating a safe space for your teen to talk starts with how you handle their first questions when they're young. Make sure your kids know they can come to you with anything, rather than searching for answers online.

Teach them: Come to me, don't search and see.

Be honest

It may be tempting to avoid uncomfortable questions by lying, such as using the story of the birds and the bees or delaying the conversation with "Oh, you're way too young to ask about that. However, this can lead to mistrust when your child grows up and realizes you weren't being truthful. They will find out eventually, and while it may buy you some time, it will cost you their trust, and you will no longer be their primary source of information. You don't have to provide every detail, but honesty is key. Often you'll be able to sense how much you need to say-sometimes a child will ask a question, get a simple answer, and then move on to play. They usually don't need a detailed explanation or a lengthy discussion.

Teach them about pornography

We need to talk to our children about pornography as we would about any other potential danger in their lives: crossing the street, touching a hot stove, or talking to strangers. Let them know that they may encounter explicit content on devices by accident, and reassure them that if they do, they can come to you without fear. Let them know they won't get in trouble.

Many kids don't accept their parents' views about sex because the conversation often doesn't start until years after their first exposure to pornography. When parents finally describe sex in one way and label pornography as harmful, it may conflict with what they've already learned from their early exposure. Be proactive and talk about these issues early.

Seize Teachable Moments

Alongside planned discussions, take advantage of everyday opportunities to teach younger children about body parts. Use anatomically correct words for body parts. These are not bad words and these are not bad parts! Teach them about modesty, privacy, and strangers. These smaller, spontaneous conversations can reinforce important lessons in a natural and relatable way.

God, Our Source
God, our Creator, is the author of sexuality, and the story of sex is truly good news! While the world often portrays a negative narrative, we have a positive story to share. The devil seeks to distort sexuality from an early age because he knows how formative these years are.

As parents, one of our most important responsibilities is to pray for our children and stay in communion with the Holy Spirit. He will guide us in recognizing harmful influences and relationships, and help us understand what is truly going on.

Let Philippians 4:8 be your prayer for your child:

"Keep your thoughts on what is true, honorable, and pure. Let everything you focus on be admirable, beautiful, respectful, and kind.”

They will grow up embracing the beauty of their God-given gender and sexuality with a healthy and freeing understanding of their true identity in God. These are precious gifts from God that deserve the most beautiful expression, regardless of the cultural norms around them. God has chosen you for your children and has given you everything you need for them. Boldly change the narrative of your children and take the first steps, even if your legs shake. 

As you read this, you may have realised that your story about sex began in a twisted way, and you are still feeling the effects. Perhaps your initial introduction was abusive or far from healthy. There is hope—God wants to restore you fully. Take steps into His healing arms, for yourself and for your children. Speak to a trusted friend or consider an inner healing session where the Holy Spirit can reveal, set free, and heal.

We would love to be part of your journey if you’d like. Head over to our website and book a session.

This topic is much broader than I can cover today. There are questions about starting late and other important aspects to explore. I will definitely be coming back to this important parenting topic, because it's one we can't afford to neglect.