Lying

How should we handle it when our children lie?

I get that question often, especially from shocked parents raising their little beautiful child who suddenly, out of nowhere, started to lie. It often feels like the parents haven’t been prepared for this potential fact: How could my child ever lie?! They were always so sweet and innocent.

Or maybe you are one of the other group of parents who don’t see a big issue with lying. Why not? You’ve almost expected it because, after all, you also tell “white lies.” (More on this very interesting way of describing lies later).

Children can start telling lies from an early age, typically around three years old. This is when they begin to realize that you can’t read their mind, so they can say things that aren’t true without you always knowing. Lying can increase between the ages of four and six. At this stage, children might get better at lying by matching their facial expressions and the tone of their voices to what they’re saying.

During this period, of 3 years and up children's imaginations develop strongly. They start telling stories that don’t necessarily correspond to the truth—or let’s put it this way—they add the necessary dose of action to make it sound exciting for the listener. Dramatic rescue missions on the way home, giant spiders blocking their path, an army of ants attacking them, and so on. Children’s imaginations are boundless.

It is a wonderful strength. But stay alert to when these stories are shared.

Are they trying to avoid a consequence?

Are they exaggerating to get more attention?

If your child loves to use his or her imagination, let him or her do so during storytime. For example, just before bedtime, so that he can tell you a story and unleash his full arsenal of imagination without it being about his own reality. Of course, he may talk about himself and his family, but in the context of the story and not in response to questions about what he did on the way to school or what happened in kindergarten.

Try more and more to guide his imagination in these situations so that it doesn't become a form of manipulation or lying.

This may sound harsh, and a child with a strong imagination does not do this intentionally, but it can become a pattern. The child feels that it is getting attention. It can become their identity, and they begin to understand the power behind "not telling the truth. Suddenly it is more than imagination.

Telling a lie is a conscious act, and no doubt toddlers and sometimes even preschoolers do not do this yet. But be careful. Don’t judge it too harshly or react with shock by imagining your child as a pathological liar in the future. I know it sounds funny, but we do tend to exaggerate sometimes, don't we? At the same time, don't trivialize it, hoping they'll automatically grow out of it, while celebrating their imagination. Uphold the importance of truth.

Once we've addressed those imaginative stories before they morph into lies, let's delve into the lies aimed at escaping trouble.

What is the meaning of lying: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive , to create a false or misleading impression

This might sound as follows:

“Of course, I’ve already cleaned my room!” Just two minutes after you asked the child to clean up their big mess.

Or: “Yes, I washed my hands after using the bathroom!” But their pants are barely pulled up and you didn’t hear any water running.

At this age, it’s not so much about malicious deceit, but more about gaining approval or avoiding consequences.

It’s important for us as parents to encourage the truth.

When your child tells the truth, point out that they did the right thing. Praise them for choosing to tell the truth.

How do we usually respond in these situations?

Perhaps with statements like:

"Don't lie to me!"

"I know you're lying, stop it!"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

"Don't lie, or your nose will grow like Pinocchio!"

Does anybody still know that story? This is one approach you should avoid in parenting. Using fear and lies to scare children into submission or truth creates a shaky foundation that won't hold up for long. Sooner or later, your child will realize that you, their mother or father, lied. They will lose trust, be angry that you are trying to use fear to manipulate them into doing the right thing, and continue to lie because, after all, mom or dad does it too.

Instead, focus on emphasizing what your child should do:

“Please tell me the truth.”

“I know you can tell the truth!”

“Remember what we’ve talked about, how important truth-telling is?”

“I will give you a couple of minutes to think about whether this was really the truth.”

How often do we truly learn the right thing by constantly being told what we shouldn’t do?

Unfortunately, this is where most of our training focuses—we try to suppress negative behavior without replacing it with positive virtues.

It's also important not to set the child up for failure. Avoid questions that could lead them to lie, especially if you are training with your child and he or she has a hard time telling the truth. 

For example: Your child comes to you two minutes after you asked him to clean his room. Instead of asking, "Did you really clean your room?", take your child by the hand and say, "Let's go check your room together.

Of course, this requires extra effort on the part of the parent, but it can encourage the children when we get up and check to see if the task has been completed. We are encouraging the right behavior and showing the children that they can't get away with lying.

Certainly, consequences are appropriate if your child lies to your face. But in these early years, work to fill their "moral storehouse" by teaching them why it's so important to tell the truth.

Often, everyday situations can provide valuable teaching moments. During such times, we might utilize whatever resources are at our disposal—a book discussing lying, a relevant movie, or a scenario from school. These discussions are crucial because they're not personal, allowing us to explore various feelings, alternative actions, and the consequences of lying. It's important to convey that lying can even lead to the loss of friendships.

The key at this age is to fill the warehouse with the necessary explanations and values. What is truth? What does the bible say about truth? What happens if someone lies a lot etc.

If you are struggling with something with your child, take those non-conflict situation to continuously teach them.

Because lying isn’t addressed early, it can become a habit. By the time they’re teenagers, they might lie about more significant issues, and it becomes challenging to discern the truth. Without a strong foundation of honesty and understanding the importance of truth-telling, it’s difficult to manage and correct this behavior.

So let’s get back to the white lies. White lies are a lie that is told in order to be polite or to stop someone from being upset by the truth. What do you think about it?
How do you deal with it?

Ephesians 4:25 settles it for me: “So discard every form of dishonesty and lying so that you will be known as one who always speaks the truth, for we all belong to one another.”
Let's be parents who exemplify truthfulness in our actions, so our children can see it as a way of life rather than just words.

In this spirit:

“A lie is like a snowball: the longer you roll it, the bigger it becomes.” Martin Luther