Why is my toddler biting?

Maybe your child has started biting and you are wondering what to do. 

How can I stop it?

If you are the parent of a biting child, it often comes with a sense of shame, and you may be searching for a quick fix to ensure it never happens again.

Biting is common in children this age, but it can still be frustrating and difficult to deal with. Babies and toddlers bite for a variety of reasons, such as teething. As they begin to understand cause and effect, they may also bite to see if they can get a reaction, to get attention, or to express their feelings. Frustration, anger, and fear are strong emotions, and toddlers often lack the language skills to communicate them effectively. They may also learn that biting can help them get a desired item or imitate other children, especially in childcare settings. In addition, overstimulation can lead to the same behavior.

In parenting, before we start thinking about how to stop this new behavior, it's more important to know what triggered the biting in the first place.

Let's explore the different ways to address and manage this behavior.

Teething

Teething is probably the easiest problem to deal with. Provide your child with a teething ring or other type of pacifier. Whenever they feel the urge to bite, offer the alternative instead. Be careful not to make this a habit, but having a suitable option available will usually prevent it from becoming a major problem.

Cause and Effect

If your child bites to get a reaction, be sure to give them one, but not in a way that rewards the behavior. Be honest and firm, letting them know that it hurts and that biting is unacceptable. Consistency is key—don't laugh it off or ignore it. If a child learns that biting is a way to get attention, it can become a harder habit to break. Address it early to prevent it from becoming a primary means of seeking attention.

Attention

If biting has become a way for your child to get attention, consider whether they might be feeling neglected. Life changes like moving, starting a business, or welcoming a new baby can limit the attention kids receive. If this is the case, it's important to address the behavior directly—explain that biting hurts, is not kind, and isn't the right way to express feelings. Additionally, make an effort to give them more attention. Play with them, schedule regular one-on-one time, and find ways to fill their love tank.

Strong Emotions

Anger, frustration, and fear can all trigger biting, as children may feel overwhelmed by their inability to communicate how they are feeling. Always start by teaching them that biting is unacceptable. Never smile or ignore it. Instead, focus on helping them find ways to communicate. Talk to them about their feelings and teach them age-appropriate alternatives. As they get older, you can introduce tools such as the Emotion Wheel to help them name and work through their emotions.

A Tool

If your child bites you after you've said no to something, it might be an attempt to get what they want. In this scenario, it's crucial not to give in to their demands because doing so reinforces the behavior. Firmly stick to your decision and reiterate that biting is not acceptable.

Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, "I understand that you're upset, but biting is not okay." Emphasize that as their parent, you're making decisions for their well-being. Consistently reinforce this message while showing empathy for their frustration.

Work on helping them develop better ways to express their emotions and reactions. This process will take time, especially if the behavior has been ongoing or your child is particularly persistent. Don't expect an overnight solution, but remain patient and keep teaching them healthier ways to respond.

Copying 

If your child is copying other children who bite, consistent teaching should help curb this behavior over time. Reinforce that biting is not acceptable and explain why it's important to be kind to others. Stay patient and consistent with your message.

Overstimulated

Children may feel overwhelmed when placed in situations where they are teased or have toys taken away by older siblings or peers. This can lead to frustration and, in some cases, biting as a means of communication and/or a last resort. If you notice your child frequently encountering these challenging situations, such as in childcare or with older siblings, it's essential to be vigilant. Consider limiting their exposure to these environments, at least temporarily, to prevent biting from becoming their default way of expressing themselves. By addressing the root causes of their frustration and providing support and guidance, you can help your child develop healthier ways to communicate and interact with others.

Unfortunately we too often place our children in an environment where they are overwhelmed; be wise and make choices for the health and well-being of your children. Sometimes these choices will cost you, but I encourage you, they are worth it.

In any case, it's a great teachable moment for self-control as well. Take advantage of these opportunities, I know sometimes they're hard to accept, we'd rather they disappear or never happen. But take it from me, a seasoned mom, these moments have become the most foundational, especially when I didn't know how to deal with them and they took a long time. The journey has proven to be deeper than I ever thought it would be, and along the way there are lessons to be learned, yes for our children, but most importantly for me. So before you start wishing them away, embrace them, because this will also help with your expectations, we get frustrated when we expect quick fixes, no problem and instant compliance, let me tell you a secret, this is not parenting. Parenting changes US as we raise a little person in the way they should go. 

In addition to the above and teaching them, these pieces of advice have proven essential for me during these phases.

Routine

Make sure your child’s schedule, routines, and transitions are predictable and consistent. That they have enough sleep and are well rested. All of this helps them, because if they are tired, hungry, or lack a routine, they become overwhelmed and unsettled.

Relax

Offer activities and materials that allow your child to relax and release tension. 

Maybe soft music, quiet play time, reading, listening to a story, creative play time. Just time for them to relax while doing something and not be on the move.

Proactive Handling 

Teach your child to use their words to express themselves. For example, if another child takes something from them, encourage them to say, "Please give it back.” If this approach doesn't work, teach them to ask an adult for help. This will empower them to communicate their needs and find a peaceful solution rather than resorting to negative behaviors.

Additionaly

Reading books or watching short videos about biting can also be helpful. As you read or watch together, ask your child how the characters might have felt or how they themselves would feel in a similar situation. This can encourage empathy and help them understand the impact of their actions on others, without it being about them.

If your child has bitten someone other than you, I know how emotions can take over, you are shocked, the other mom or dad may be too, but don't act on emotions, take a deep breath, take your child away and tell them no biting, depending on their age, go and ask the other child's forgiveness and help them with whatever they need in the moment. When your child is old enough to apologize, go back to your child and talk about what happened and how biting is not the answer, but before you expect an apology, you need to have thought about what it means in an age-appropriate way (and more so with each passing year). Don't try to make them do something you never took the time to teach them out of shame. Then pick it up at home if you haven't, even if you have, build on it, what does I'm sorry mean?

If they are ready, they can go and apologize, if you feel this is going to be a power struggle, leave it and come back the next day and keep working on it. Maybe if it's someone they know they can go back another day or draw a picture or whatever they come up with, don't tell them what all is needed but guide them carefully. our kids have beautiful ideas that sometimes get crushed in the learning moment if we don't take enough time to listen to them instead of over lecturing.

I know it's never pleasant and it brings up all sorts of emotions on our part, but working with our child, not overreacting, but respecting the other child, if involved, and the other parent, taking it step by step, I guarantee you it will be a not always easy, let's be honest, sometimes exhausting process, but it's more than worth it.

Take your time, because you can. It may feel like you don't have extra resources, but creating the space for it is crucial. This is part of parenting, and you can do it! ♡