Slipping away?

When our kids hit their teenage years, it feels like they're slipping through our fingers. Suddenly, the easy flow of communication we once had starts changing. They're keeping things to themselves, and we're left wondering what's going on in their lives. They're getting more independent, hanging out with friends, and school isn't as exciting as it used to be. It's like they're pulling away, and we're left questioning: Am I losing my child? It's a reality check during this teenage rollercoaster where our roles as parents are shifting, and they're navigating their way to independence. But amidst these changes, it's important to remember it's not all challenges and setbacks; there's a unique opportunity for adaptation, fostering open communication, and strengthening the bonds that tie us together.

Regrettably, this loss of control often triggers an instinctive response within us— a desire for increased control. This response, though understandable, can introduce challenges for the parent-teen relationship, unintentionally creating tension during this crucial phase of their journey to independence.

Let's take a stroll down memory lane: do you recall the funnel analogy? Picture the shape of a funnel in your mind.

During the early years, the funnel is narrow, symbolizing the limited freedoms our toddlers have. As the years progress, this funnel gradually widens until the teenage years, allowing for significantly more freedom.

Now, if you sense that your child is slipping away, the automatic response might be to narrow the funnel once again. Freedoms are restricted, control is heightened, and frustration becomes a direct consequence for your teenager. Unfortunately, these measures don't contribute positively to the parent-child relationship.

Turning back time isn't an option, and attempting to navigate the funnel anew with your teenager, especially if you've never followed its contours before, proves ineffective. A sweeping ban on everything out of fear for your teenager's well-being is counterproductive, particularly as you're gradually assuming the role of their coach. In these crucial years, you are laying the foundation for the future, where the ultimate aim is to cultivate a friendship with your adult child.

Your stance during the teenage years holds incredible significance for what lies ahead. It's an investment in the relationship that will echo into the future. As you journey through this transformative phase, remember: that the path you pave now sets the tone for the lasting connection you'll share with your grown child. This is a pivotal moment to nurture understanding, trust, and the bonds that will shape your relationship for years to come.

So, what's the alternative? How can we navigate this phase with grace and understanding?

Individual Dates

Make it a habit to schedule regular individual dates where the focus isn't on discussing the challenges your teenager might be facing, but rather on empowering them. Believe in their potential, and speak life into their dreams and aspirations. These moments become an opportunity to polish the hidden diamonds within them, emphasizing character traits that might not be readily apparent. It's a chance to unearth the qualities that are waiting to shine.

As you embark on these dates, ask God to reveal those hidden gems and provide you with insight. Speak life into those qualities, fostering an environment of encouragement and positive affirmation. By doing so, you contribute to the cultivation of their unique strengths, laying the groundwork for a strong, trusting relationship during these formative years and beyond.

Listen

I cannot stress enough the importance of listening, and I'm preaching to myself here. Our teenagers don't want us to rearrange their dreams and wishes; primarily, they are not seeking advice if they haven't asked for it. What they need is a listening ear, and honing this skill is crucial for the strength of our relationship with them.

Sharpen your ability to listen, as it will be extraordinarily important for the bond you share. If you're anything like me, you understand that biting your tongue is often better than blurting out too much. Find a method that works for you, but remember: listen more than you speak.

Wait for an invitation or a question before sharing your thoughts, and even then, be discerning in how much you share. This approach ensures that your interactions are guided by their needs and desires, fostering an environment of trust and open communication in your relationship with your teenager.

Be present

You might be contemplating taking on additional projects, increasing your workload, or volunteering more, but here's a word of caution: your teenager still needs you. While you may have more time, it's essential to consider if you have the energy to pour into your teenager, especially during the night. Yes, the night – not my favorite time, but it's when hearts often open up. I've learned to prepare myself during the day, ensuring my cup isn't half-empty by evening. It's a delicate balance between responsibilities and maintaining the energy needed for those meaningful connections with your teenager.

A mother who was ahead of many of us became a significant voice in shaping our perspective on the future. She made a conscious decision to reduce her working hours when her kids entered their teenage years, recognizing the importance of being present during critical moments. She felt that her ability to provide her kids with the best and in the best ways required this adjustment. I'm not suggesting that everyone needs to take the same path, but it's a gentle reminder to be mindful of the changes. Are you ready to make sacrifices for the well-being of your family?

Things won't stay the same forever, and it's crucial to seize the opportunity to invest in your children's lives. After all, they are our first mission, entrusted to our care by the Creator Himself. The choices we make today profoundly impact the relationships we build and the legacy we leave for generations to come.

Don't nag!

This is a significant transition. You may not have encountered issues before, but once you hit this phase, you find yourself nagging more. What used to be cute antics now become less endearing. A teenager using a sweatshirt instead of a napkin, snorting up a stuffy nose – not cute. A teenager not answering – not cute. The list could go on, but this isn't the time to nag.

If you find yourself needing to address certain behaviors, consider revisiting teachable moments, but make sure it's age-appropriate. It's about guiding and communicating effectively rather than resorting to nagging, fostering an environment where both you and your teenager can navigate this phase with understanding and mutual respect.

Ask questions

Admittedly, this is a tricky terrain. Asking questions out of love and genuine interest is essential. However, it's crucial not to bombard your daughter or son with questions as a means of control, especially if you sense they are closing up to you.

Perhaps you find yourself feeling like they are keeping something from you. It's a shift from the times when you knew most of their friends, and now, as things change, the need to know – often fueled by control or fear – isn't fostering a healthy relationship.

It's okay to ask, but equally important to let it go if they choose not to share. Communicate that you are always there for them, but refrain from repeating the same questions endlessly, as it may erode their trust. Avoid resorting to bribery; instead, aim to earn their respect.

Approaching this delicate phase requires finesse. We must be mindful not to be like an elephant in a porcelain store, potentially causing more harm when our intention should be to build and strengthen our relationship.

Strengthen the family identity

Engage your teenager in the planning of your family nights, ensuring it's enjoyable so they actively want to participate. Make an effort to prioritize dinner times as a family, creating a space for connection and shared moments that contribute to the overall well-being of your family unit.

Love Language

Proactively speak your child's love language, recognizing that it may evolve. If their primary love language is physical touch, be attuned to how it manifests; what was once a comforting hug might now be better conveyed through a supportive pat on the back. Continuously read your child, avoiding a one-size-fits-all approach. Stay an apprentice in the art of parenting, consistently learning and adapting to their changing needs and preferences.

Apologize often

This is another significant aspect that holds importance for your younger kids but becomes even more crucial for teenagers. They can sense hypocrisy from a distance, detecting when they've been unjustly treated. They understand that we, as parents, are not perfect, and what they truly need are parents who give their best but are also willing to actively seek forgiveness when mistakes are made.

These strategies are just a few ways to stay connected with your teenagers. The process of staying connected is not a passive one for us parents; it requires an active commitment to learning new moves and adapting to their changing needs.

Teenagers appreciate the effort when they sense that you genuinely want to get to know them better. Offering sincere apologies and creating a haven at home fosters a sense of security for them.

Remember, you'll navigate through this phase as well! Keep your head up, stay engaged, and embrace the opportunities for growth and connection with your teenagers.