How Do I Stop My Kids from Fighting?
I guess like our previous Blog Post, you might have waited for this. If you haven’t red the last one, please do so before diving into this one.
I felt like every fight was a hit to my energy balloon, how does that make you feel?
It is a source of deep frustration for us parents who want our families to be harmonious. Yet it is essential that our children learn conflict resolution at home. It's not just a childhood skill, but a lifelong one: at school, at work, with colleagues, and eventually in their own families.
This realization has once again reminded me to stay focused on the goal, especially during those moments when everything seems to be falling apart, even though it's not, but it certainly feels that way at times.
So let's start with what we don't want to teach our children and read it slowly, thinking about what it might look like in your own home.
The strongest One wins
The smarter / weaker one always gives in
I use my fists, kicks, bites and curses to achieve my goals
If I cry and persist, I get everything
If I argue/gossip, I'm off the hook
I always get what I want by yelling, ignoring, lying, blaming, being aggressive or jealous, manipulation, being stubborn...
add your children's or maybe even your own favorite approach
As you read through this list, did you notice any parallels in your own family? Sometimes, even unconsciously, we teach our children how to win battles by resorting to the above. We may expect the oldest to be more mature and burden them with responsibilities, or rush to save the baby when he/she starts crying or screaming. In many ways, we fail to model healthy conflict resolution. To be fair, it's often because we feel we don't have time. But in reality, there's never a perfect time to have these conversations. We just need to be aware of the opportunities and use them to teach our children well.
Because if you're anything like me, you didn't learn good conflict resolution at home either. Unfortunately, I didn't grow up in a home where I learned a healthy way. There was a lot of arguing going on between my parents, and I saw fighting as something very negative.
I had to learn the hard way how to deal with disagreement with my husband later in life, and I'm still working on finding that balance.
First Start with yourself. Identify your influences and work on them.
Read the examples above one more time, this time for yourself and not for your children. (Hopefully we can leave out the fists).
Where do you stand?
We teach our children by example. Sorry, I know we keep coming back to the same phrase, but it's true. We are not here to fix our children, but to shine a light on our own brokenness, not only for the sake of our family, but for generations to come, dig deep Mom and Dad, don't be afraid to address your specific and personal issues, it's really worth it.
Ask yourself: Do I get loud when I don't like something, Do I withdraw for the sake of harmony, Do I love arguments and seek conflict, Do I blame the other, Do I always give in and avoid speaking up for fear of conflict, Do I take offense and try to ignore it, Do I try to manipulate the situation to get my way .... ? What is it for you?
Our children see how we handle disagreements and naturally imitate our actions more than our words. We can teach our offspring so well, but it's all for nothing if we don't practice our own resolutions to improve our arguments. Our lectures become bla-bla-bla's, and our children and pre-teens and teens slowly lose respect because we do not practice what we preach.
I believe that an important place to start is with self-examination.
How am I influenced?
How do I handle conflicts?
Ask Holy Spirit to reveal areas in need of healing and take steps toward restoration with His guidance. If your children are old enough, also seek their forgiveness. Repentance holds significant power, especially when children witness parents humbly acknowledging their mistakes and seeking reconciliation.
Only then can we move on to the next step, which is:
Work on verbal and physical kindness between siblings
Strengthen the friendship between them. Help your children be kind to their siblings. Teach them to respect boundaries. Encourage them to share what they appreciate about their siblings.
In our home, we casually practice this routine at the dinner table: "What do you like about your sister or brother?" We encourage them to share their thoughts. It's important to note that our family scenes are not picture-perfect, with everyone dressed impeccably in white shirts, girls adorned with bows, and our boy sporting big smiles. More often than not, the prospect of these discussions causes annoyance, and sometimes there are eye rolls and raised voices. To be honest, it's a bit chaotic. But we remained steadfast and patient. Despite the initial resistance, they know we won't give up, and eventually they find something positive to say.
In our household, if one child says something unkind about their sibling, they earn the "golden ticket" to identify five positive qualities about their brother or sister.
This practice helps them shift their focus towards the positive aspects of their sibling. It's important not to tolerate hurtful words like "You're bad, you're stupid, you can't do it anyway!", and so on.
These words are often dismissed by parents, yet there's much to be gained by addressing them directly.
Talk to your children about this special relationship that they will carry with them throughout their lives.
I emphasize how wonderful it is to have my sister, how we support and care for each other. Or my brother, who installed our dishwasher or is always there for us when we need help with electrical issues. It helps the children to see the future and the long-term effects of siblings and how important it is to invest in this relationship.
Third, teach siblings to respect each other
Isn't it true that while we prioritize manners when we have company over, we often overlook the small acts of kindness between siblings in everyday life? Teach them to listen to each other and to be polite. Saying "good morning," "thank you," "please," "I'm sorry," "forgive me," learning how to interrupt each other, sharing, and being happy when something good happens to the other sibling. All of these are important to me, but those who know me understand how crucial the last one is.
Teach them to really celebrate each other's successes, when one wins, gets to do something special, receives a gift, etc. Just imagine how much conflict could be minimized if we teach our children to genuinely rejoice when something good happens to their siblings.
We've often seen what happens when only one or two children receive an Easter gift, Advent calendar, St. Nicholas present, or other gift. At first, the child who didn't get anything is sad and disappointed. They may even express their feelings loudly. But we see these moments as opportunities for growth and learning. We sit down with our child, validate his feelings, but emphasize the importance of being happy for others. The atmosphere may not change immediately, and the child may not be happy right away, or even within the day. But we believe it's worth working at it, with the attitude that it's a marathon, not a sprint. Eventually, we see the sibling who received a gift begin to share, not out of guilt, but out of kindness. Sometimes we are too quick to jump in and buy the child who got nothing because, let's face it, it's hard to see our children sad. But by doing so, we deny them the opportunity to learn empathy and practice gratitude. I treasure the moments when both children can learn and grow together.
As parents, we don't always need to rush in and fix every situation. In doing so, we might unintentionally deprive our children of valuable opportunities for growth and learning.
Endure, talk and teach them about it.
Forth, encourage chores
It has been found that children who do chores around the house have more compassion for their siblings than those who do not do any chores at all. More interestingly, children who set and clear the table, vacuum, or feed the cat are more concerned about the well-being of others than those who simply make their own bed or hang their own clothes.
As children care for one another, they grow in sensitivity. Involve your children in daily acts of serving and helping.
But what do you do when things get heated at home?
Another approach I read about (specifically for older children) was that whenever they argued, they were required to go outside, regardless of the weather conditions.
They would stand several meters apart and shout "I love you" to each other. After they had exhausted all their energy yelling, they were allowed to go back inside. I doubt that these children fought again immediately afterwards.
When our children started fighting, I would ask them: "Are you fighting?"
They understood that if they had time to fight, they had time for extra chores...
Fighting requires guidance, encouragement, and correction. In my experience, parents too rarely address it proactively.
Seize the teaching moments, nurture sibling affection, discuss during times of harmonious play how blessed they are to have each other.
You have 18 years to do this. Invest them wisely by not just reacting, but by nurturing growth.
Now, you almost hope your kids will fight so you can put these tips into practice...
In fact, we don't even have to hope for it, because it happens naturally. How convenient.