Love that depends on behavior
"You absolutely crushed that exam—well done!"
"That goal you scored was phenomenal—what a move!"
"I was so proud watching you play with the neighbor's kids so kindly. It really warmed my heart."
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with these statements—in the contrary encouraging our children is so important! We’ve talked about it often: our words make a real difference, both in the atmosphere of our home and in the lives of our kids. Words carry the power to shape the next generation, drawing out the God-given purpose and destiny woven into their lives. This is one of our God-given mandate as parents: to call forth the hidden, to speak prophetically in faith, and to declare the purposes God has placed within their lives.
Words of life are powerful seeds for our children. But let’s keep an eye out for a subtle, sneaky trap called conditional love in parenting. It can creep in quietly, but its grip can be powerful. When love feels tied to how our kids behave, they can start to sense it, quickly learning that they’re valued only if they "measure up." This quiet message seems to whisper, “You’re loved if you meet my expectations.” It’s not about speaking out their identity in Christ, but about being aware of what brings identity to us as parents. It’s so easy to tie our sense of pride and worth to their achievements—if they succeed here, excel there, pick up an instrument, or make it into a certain school. If our identity is tied to what our kids do—their successes, achievements, or behavior—could it be that we’ve placed them in a position they were never meant to hold? When our sense of worth depends on their performance, we risk turning them into an idol, giving them the place in our hearts that belongs to God alone. Let’s remember: our children are gifts, but they’re not our source. True identity flows from the One who created both us and them.
When we tie our identity to what our kids do, they may start chasing our approval, sometimes at the cost of their true selves. Meanwhile, we can end up seeking their worth more in their achievements than in who they really are. Slowly, they come to believe that just being isn’t enough—that to feel worthy, they have to keep reaching, always striving for acceptance.
Most of us have likely encountered conditional love in one form or another ourselves in our family of origin.
If you’re well-behaved (and mostly quiet), you earn affection.
If you look good, you get noticed.
If you bring home straight A’s, your father beams with pride.
If you’re social and outgoing, your mom lights up.
If you’re funny, people seem to warm to you.
If you’re dressed a certain way, heads turn.
…
The list could go on and on, and I’m sure you’ve found yourself in at least one of these scenarios—maybe a few. We all have our own version of it.
For me, it was this: If you’re responsible, there will be less chaos at home. Fewer arguments if I just stepped up, took care of my siblings, and played my part. Nobody explicitly told me that, but maybe yours did—like a father who elevates academics or a mother who emphasizes looks and behavior. Some messages we pick up along the way, quietly shaping our identity. Let’s be honest—who doesn’t long to be noticed, loved, and accepted? We often start believing that love is something we have to earn. For some of us, like me, it wasn't that anyone said anything, but because of the constant fighting in my home, as the eldest I automatically took on the role of keeping the peace.
But here’s the catch: these little messages or home atmospheres create a version of love that hinges on our actions, our appearance, and how well we perform. They convince us that our worth is tied to how closely we fit into certain expectations. Instead of embracing our true selves, we start to see ourselves through the narrow lens of meeting those standards, losing sight of the inherent value we hold simply for being who we are.
True love—the love we’re made for—doesn’t depend on all these shifting standards. It says we’re enough just as we are.
What kind of atmosphere are you creating in your own home? It’s easy to fall into this trap without even realizing it. To help you reflect, here’s a little quiz to see if your children feel they have to earn your love:
Do you often praise your children only when they achieve something significant, like good grades or awards?
When your child makes a mistake, do you express disappointment rather than understanding?
Is affection given more freely when your children are behaving well or doing what you expect?
Do you find yourself comparing your child’s achievements to those of others?
When your child seeks your attention, do you tend to prioritize their behavior over their feelings?
Take a moment to reflect on your answers, but let’s go a step further. We all have blind spots—those areas in our lives we can’t see or recognize on our own. It’s easy to overlook them because, by definition, they’re hidden from our view. These are the things we don’t notice about ourselves until someone else or the Holy Spirit points them out, often because we’re too close to the situation to see them clearly. So, I encourage you to sit with the Holy Spirit and walk through each question with Him. Write down what you sense. If you find yourself answering “yes” to any question, ask Him for a specific scenario that illustrates that feeling. This will help you gain deeper insight into your parenting dynamics.
If your children are older, consider taking the bold step to additionally ask them directly about their feelings. But here’s the key: don’t do so to justify or explain yourself; instead, approach them humbly, seeking to understand how they truly feel. This kind of open dialogue can be transformative, not only for you but for your relationship with your children. It creates a safe space for honest communication and allows them to express themselves without fear of judgment. Ultimately, this journey of reflection and dialogue can lead to a more loving and accepting environment where everyone feels valued just as they are.
If you’ve sensed even a hint of conditional love in your home, please don’t beat yourself up. Honestly, I think we all carry a grain or two, three or fifty somewhere, and becoming aware of is a gift. Being reminded or having this revealed is a powerful step—much more helpful than staying in the dark or thinking this isn’t an issue for our family. So, welcome this as an opportunity for growth. That’s exactly what I remind myself. True growth begins with awareness. Once we see those blind spots, we have the opportunity to create a more authentic and unconditional environment for our families, one where love and understanding flow freely without the weight of hidden expectations.
It’s true—conditional love is a subtle but sneaky force, and if we’ve grown up with it, it can be hard to recognize, let alone change. When conditional love becomes our “normal,” we may unintentionally carry it into our own parenting. Without even realizing it, we find ourselves repeating the same patterns we experienced, encouraging our kids to meet certain standards or “perform” to feel loved. It’s completely natural; we often replicate what feels familiar, especially in the early, busy years of parenting, where we’re just doing our best to keep up.
Yet, that’s where the power of awareness comes in. Recognizing these patterns can open our eyes to the kinds of subtle messages we might be sending. It invites us to ask: What do my children hear when I praise them only after they succeed? Do they feel a pressure to always “do” rather than simply “be”? Just a moment of pause can reveal so much, giving us a chance to choose love that isn’t tied to performance.
So, how are we really doing? Are we standing firm in our identity in God, unshakable in the truth of who He says we are? Or are we still striving, still searching for that sense of approval and acceptance from the world around us? Do we seek it from others—friends, family, or even our own parents—still measuring our worth based on their affirmation? It’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to earn love or prove ourselves, but true peace comes when we rest in the security of God's love, knowing that we don’t have to strive for His approval, because He already sees us as enough.
Stay here, in His presence, and let Him reveal Himself to you in a way that sets you free from everything that has masked your true identity. Allow the blood of Jesus to wash over you, bringing freedom and renewal not just to you, but to your entire generational line. Take it one step at a time, starting with you. As you embrace this freedom, it will naturally overflow into your family. Become a student of grace and shower your family with unconditional love - let it be the current that sustains and empowers them.