Parenting Multiple Ages
If you have multiple children, you've probably found that meeting their needs isn't easy. Maybe you feel a little bit like me, a circus artist trying to master the art of juggling three balls, except that I've never been to the acrobatic academy, let alone had enough time to practice.
Take movies, for example. Older kids can watch certain movies that younger kids can't. What have you decided in your family? The path of least resistance, i.e. a movie for everyone - either always age-appropriate for the younger ones, which frustrates the eldest, or have the younger ones see movies you would never have allowed the elder ones to watch at their age?
From the beginning, we made it a priority to teach our children the importance of patience and joy for one another - a core family value. Because it is so important to us, we constantly look for opportunities in everyday situations to practice this lesson. In action, this has meant helping our younger child manage feelings of frustration and anger when her older sibling gets to do something she's not quite ready for.
Learning to be persevering has been essential to not giving up when our younger child complains or protests. It hasn't been easy - kids have a unique way of testing our limits, as I'm sure you've experienced. There are times when it feels like their energy is endless, far exceeding ours. Sound familiar?
Unfortunately, parents tend to judge these situations emotionally, feeling that it's unfair because their youngest's heartbreaking cries affect them deeply or their tantrums become overwhelming. We either over-identify with their frustration and become obsessed with it. Or we push away all emotion and force them to move on.
Consider the long-term benefits of your decisions. For example, we have weekly family nights with films suitable for all ages, teaching our older children to be considerate of the younger ones. However, it's important to balance this approach and not apply it to every situation flexibility is key.
Think about what you focus on each day: do you prioritize making the older child happy or the younger? It's important to stop and think about this. When older children say, "But you didn't let me do that," ask yourself if this is true. We often have different expectations for younger children, and I've been guilty of this myself. It's easy to set lower standards for the youngest while having higher expectations for the oldest. This inconsistency can cause a problem if it becomes your default approach to parenting.
Take a moment to consider whether there's any truth to this. It's perfectly okay for your youngest to go to bed frustrated because the older kids get to watch a movie. Acknowledge your child's frustration, but use the opportunity to plant important seeds. Instead of dwelling on fairness, guide them through it.
Use these opportunities to teach patience and to learn how to be happy when good things happen to others because eventually they will grow up and have that same privilege.
I promise you, it's not the path of least resistance, but it's worth it. And that means many, many, many years down the road, and you will see your children learning important lessons. They will grow up to be able to wait and rejoice when something good happens to a sibling.
Which path do you want to take? You can always change course.
There have been a few times when I've had to realize that I've let my guard down, and I've had to grab the reins tighter to make sure that these important lessons aren't sacrificed for momentary convenience. Juggling is not easy, and we'll never fully master the skill. However, staying wise, attentive, and intentional will help us navigate these challenges.
In our family, we’ve established specific times for our oldest to enjoy a special movie with Daddy while I handle bedtime for the younger ones. Starting this routine early helps reduce resistance, though starting later might bring more pushback. Approach it with a training mindset, and you’ll find the process goes more smoothly. Remember, there’s always hope.
Another challenge we often face is teaching younger children skills that older children have mastered. Sometimes it's just a matter of more practice. For example, an older child may be able to complete a chore more easily than a younger child who resists. When extra chores come up, I usually turn to our two oldest children. Our middle child likes to help, and our oldest is learning to appreciate it. Both do a wonderful job. Our youngest, on the other hand, often lacks motivation and isn't as eager to help. I have to remind myself that our two eldest were once the same age as our youngest when we first started teaching them this new chore. There are no excuses - except for my tendency to pass the task off to the oldest, knowing they'll do it without complaint. This instinct often kicks in when I'm pressed for time or seeking convenience.
While it's easier to avoid "bothering" our youngest, taking the easy way out isn't the best choice. Our youngest needs to learn these life skills too.
So I ask myself: Could the youngest handle this task? And which child would benefit most from learning it? It's important to allow extra time for this process, much like when I first introduced chores. While I could have completed the tasks much faster on my own, I intentionally invested time in teaching our children. I knew that although it might take longer at first, in the long run, my children would gain essential skills in household management that would also ease my burden one day.
Parenting involves not only teaching but also encouragement and support.
An additional challenge is that the older siblings often feel sorry for the youngest. They step in to help, taking on a responsibility that isn't necessarily healthy or their own. There's a delicate balance between the older children's helpfulness and the opportunity to use these situations as teaching moments. For mothers, the practical support of older children may initially seem beneficial because the focus is on getting the job done. However, this approach may have the unintended consequence of preventing the youngest children from developing a sense of responsibility. While freedoms may increase with age, ideally, responsibilities should also be growing for all children to help them mature and thrive.
Let's ask ourselves these questions:
Do our younger children have age-appropriate responsibilities, or do we tend to pass them on to the older children?
Do the older children take on too much responsibility for chores?
As a parent, do I tend to take the easier route because it's more convenient, practical, and saves time?
Here's a little reminder for you in your current season of parenting: As you navigate raising siblings of different ages, remember to step back and see the big picture. Parenting isn't just about managing daily tasks; it's about preparing each of your children for life. I hope this is as encouraging to you as it was to me. It's easy to get caught up in the daily hustle and bustle, but keeping your eye on the big picture can make all the difference.