What we allow will continue

I recently stumbled upon a thought-provoking statement that has continued to resonate with me – to the extent that it has inspired the creation of this blog post!

The statement is powerful in its simplicity:

What we allow will continue.

Or, to put it another way: The behaviors we choose to tolerate are the ones that will become ingrained.

Pause and revisit the text, allowing its implications to sink in. How does it resonate with you on a personal level?

What does it mean for your family?

What are the behaviors you tolerate?

It's important to note that this isn't intended to be a stern warning. Instead, it's meant to be thought-provoking.

Consider what this notion means for our children when we allow certain behaviors to go unchecked. In practical terms, it communicates that such behavior is acceptable.

Children, being straightforward and uncomplicated, don't engage in nuanced reasoning:

• 'Mom might be really tired, which is why she let it slide, but deep down, it's still wrong!'

• 'Dad seems engrossed in his book and perhaps doesn't have time right now, but I'll make sure never to do it again because it's not the right thing!’

As much as we would like children to interpret our actions with such discernment, the reality is very different.

For instance, if we permit tattling or even create an environment that relies on it, it becomes challenging to simultaneously preach the idea that siblings should be best friends.

In our household, we strongly discouraged tattling; it was considered a "no-no." We instilled a sense of individual responsibility in each child, emphasizing that they shouldn't report on their siblings. While this approach worked well for most, the eldest child, who often has a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness, found it challenging.

This rule was foundational for our family, evolving over the years to include age-appropriate teachings. As soon as they could comprehend the distinction, we emphasized that if a sibling is in danger, it is permissible to inform us. However, let's face it, more often than not, the motive behind telling is to get the sibling in trouble, rather than out of genuine concern. This is entirely normal, but in our family, we viewed it as an opportunity to instill the value of taking responsibility for one's actions, even when it's difficult. We sought to impart the concept that love covers a multitude of sins and encourages us to seek the best for others. It's a gradual process, more like a marathon than an overnight miracle. We are still teaching this lifelong lesson.

Similarly, if we try to instill the principle that a 'yes' means a 'yes' and a 'no' means a 'no', and yet engage in frequent negotiations, we inadvertently teach our children that words lack firmness. They become flexible and subject to change. This isn't to imply that negotiations are never appropriate or that changing our minds is forbidden. However, it's crucial not to establish patterns that undermine the consistency of our communication. If you foresee a situation where you might need to backtrack, consider framing it as a question to start with.

Certainly, consider asking genuine questions when you're open to any outcome. However, if you're crafting a question like "Let's brush your teeth, okay?" or "Clean up your room, okay?" while intending to issue a directive, you're essentially disguising a statement as a question. In such cases, children often only perceive the question and typically respond with a "no," leading to your frustration and theirs. Yet, the root of the issue lies in your communication method.

Reflect on how you give instructions; there's no need to camouflage them as questions when they aren't genuinely open-ended. Children respond well to direct communication, and it not only avoids unnecessary frustration but also helps them learn appropriate communication skills.

It might be a matter of culinary preferences in your household. Your child seems to be a bit selective about the meals you prepare, prompting you to gradually adjust your cooking style without fully realizing it. Certainly, The process of cooking is undoubtedly time-consuming, and whether or not everyone enjoys the meal, it is often quickly forgotten once it has been served. The investment of time and energy in the kitchen deserves a result that is not only consumed, but thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated by the participants in the meal, but this is often not the case with our children.

There's an underlying hope that your child will develop a more expansive palate, miraculously embracing a wider range of foods in their teenage or adult years. However, given the saying that what we allow today will continue to persist, relying on wishful thinking alone may not be a realistic option. While some children naturally broaden their food preferences, this isn't the norm for everyone.

Considering the importance of this matter for your family, why not address it now? This was a central goal for our family. Given our diverse background—my husband and I being of Algerian-Swiss and American-Malaysian heritage, respectively—we needed to expose our children to a rich tapestry of flavors. Our families valued their traditional foods, and we wanted our kids to appreciate the diversity and cultural beauty that food can offer. Working on this goal early on ensures that our children grow up with open minds and palates, appreciating a wide array of culinary experiences.

Parenting undoubtedly has its challenges, but the value it brings and the far-reaching consequences of our actions are unparalleled. So where in your life are you still tolerating certain behaviors and sending mixed messages?

Now is the perfect moment to hit the pause button and engage in reflection. Consider taking a moment to pray about the situation, seeking guidance and clarity. Approach the next day with a fresh perspective, allowing yourself to see the dynamics at play with renewed insight. It's essential not to be disheartened; after all, we all encounter these blind spots in various aspects of life. Instead, view it as an opportune moment for growth and learning.

If your children are still under your roof, it's not too late to make positive changes. Embrace this as an opportunity to impart valuable lessons and cultivate a healthier relationship, for example, with food. Engage in open conversations about tastes, preferences, and the importance of embracing diversity in one's diet. Share your observations and feelings with your children, fostering an environment where everyone feels heard and understood.

In clear communication with your children, emphasize that a "yes" is a "yes," and a "no" is a "no," discouraging any form of tattling. Establishing a foundation of trust and straightforward communication is crucial for understanding each other's needs and expectations.

Remember, change is a gradual process, and for example, building a more adventurous palate takes time, just like refining communication methods. Be patient and persistent, introducing new flavors and cultural dishes in a way that encourages curiosity rather than resistance. With commitment and a positive mindset, there is always hope for transformation. Embrace the journey of expanding your family's culinary horizons, and celebrate the small victories along the way.

Indeed, what you allow today has a profound effect on what will remain in the future. Embrace this truth with excitement and encouragement, recognizing the power you have to shape the path ahead. Think of each day as a canvas, and with every decision you make, you wield the brush that paints the picture of your family's future. The potential for transformation is not only there, it is within your grasp. Resist the temptation to dwell on the choices of the past; instead focus your gaze forward, where opportunities for positive change and growth await.

As you navigate this journey, celebrate the victories, however small, and find joy in the progress. Remember that change is a process, and your commitment to building a brighter tomorrow is a testament to your dedication as a parent. With excitement and encouragement, move forward confidently, knowing that the choices you make today will shape the beautiful tapestry of your family and future Generations.