Raising Respectful Kids: Submission Starts at Home
If “submission” triggers you, you’re not disqualified—you’re invited to healing. This post will help you build a home where obedience grows from safety and trust, not pressure or fear, so your children learn to follow God with a soft heart.
A Quiet Crisis: Resistance to Authority
There’s a quiet crisis happening in many homes right now: not just disobedience, but a deep resistance to authority. Not the healthy kind of independence that grows with maturity—but the kind that says, “No one tells me what to do.”
And I’m not only talking about kids. Many parents were raised with that same mindset too. So we’re not just correcting children—we’re often unlearning something as adults and rebuilding a whole new foundation in our homes.
But here’s the truth: if a child never learns humble submission under loving authority at home, they will struggle to live under God’s authority later.
Quick heart check (for parents):
• Do I associate submission with fear because of my past?
• Do I struggle with authority in my own life (bosses, leaders, correction)?
• Do I demand obedience when I’m dysregulated or overwhelmed?
If yes, don’t hide—heal. The goal is not control; it’s alignment and peace.
The home is meant to be a training ground. Not for control. Not for fear. But for something holy: learning to trust, to yield, to obey, and to honor—so that one day, obedience to God feels like safety, not slavery.
Submission Is a Biblical Pathway
Biblical submission (simple definition):
Submission is a willing yielding to rightful authority—under God—rooted in trust, honor, and humility.
It is not humiliation. It is alignment.
But check your own heart before you go any further. What does the word submission stir up in you? Do you welcome it—or do you resist it?
If we don’t deal with our own hearts first, we can’t teach this to our children. Because there’s always that undertone of, “I’m not really sure about this myself,” or “Deep down, I resist authority too.” And that’s never truly hidden—your children can tell. It’s no secret. Our lives are lived out in the open right in front of the people closest to us.
If you feel resistance, let God first heal the root, which is usually found in your childhood, with misuse of authority. we will link some post below for your review.
But what does the Bible say:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (Colossians 3:20)
“Honor your father and mother…” (Ephesians 6:2–3)
In Scripture, submission is never presented as humiliation. It’s presented as alignment—a life ordered under God.
And parents are part of that order. Not because we’re perfect—if that were the requirement, we’d all be in trouble. But because God uses authority structures to shape humility, teach wisdom, and build character. That’s His original design.
Jesus Practiced Submission (And That Changes Everything)
If anyone had the “right” to ignore human authority, it was Jesus.
And yet we read this about Jesus as a boy—and it touches me every time:
“Then He went down with them… and was obedient to them.” (Luke 2:51)
Let that sink in. The Son of God chose obedience inside a human family.
Why? Because submission isn’t first about whether the authority is “worthy.” It’s about the maturity of the heart. Jesus honored His earthly parents while living fully submitted to His heavenly Father.
Honestly… wow—who among us wouldn’t have tried to do it differently? How most of us have experienced submission, obedience, and authority has usually been manipulative, controlling, and fear-based—and we need to realize we have to relearn and realign our hearts with His true meaning.
What Submission Trains in a Child
When our children learns to submit to parents (in a healthy, loving home), they are learning:
Humility: “I am not the center.” And that’s healthy—because children were never meant to be the center of the family.
Trust: “Authority can be safe.”
Self-control: “I can yield even when I don’t feel like it, or understand it fully.”
Wisdom: “I don’t know everything yet.” That’s humility in action.
Honor: “I can respect someone even when I disagree.”
And aren’t those not the same muscles required to follow God:
“Submit yourselves therefore to God.” (James 4:7)
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)
“Clothe yourselves… with humility.” (1 Peter 5:5)
If our children never practice submission, they will often interpret God’s leadership as control rather than care. But a child raised under loving, secure authority learns something priceless: obedience leads to life, protection, and freedom—not fear.
Important Clarification: Submission Is Not Blind Obedience
Let’s be clear: biblical submission is never a license for abuse, manipulation, or fear-based parenting. I know for some of you, the warning lights went off immediately—because you’ve lived through abuse, or you’ve seen authority used to harm instead of to serve.
God never asks children to obey sin. And He never asks parents to demand obedience that violates conscience, dignity, or safety.
The Bible places massive responsibility on parents too:
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
“Fathers, do not embitter your children…” (Colossians 3:21)
So yes—children are called to obey. But we parents are called to lead in a way that reflects God: with truth, consistency, patience, and love. And that, I would argue, is the harder part.
The Goal Isn’t “Good Kids”—It’s Submitted Hearts
Many parents try to win obedience by force: louder voices, stricter rules, stronger consequences. Be honest—have you tried it? I sure have. But I quickly found out it doesn’t reach a child’s heart. Outward compliance is rarely the same as inward surrender. The first can be achieved faster—and from the outside, it can even look like success. But the second takes discipleship, time, and patience and is sustainable!
Obedience is not the finish line. It’s a doorway. A child who learns to obey parents “in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1) is being prepared to obey the God Himself.
Warning signs you’re getting compliance but not a submitted heart
• Your child obeys only when you’re watching.
• They obey but with contempt (eye-rolls, sarcasm, hostility).
• They become sneaky, secretive, or deceptive.
• You feel like you must escalate to be heard.
That’s a signal to slow down and disciple the heart, not just the behavior.
How to Teach Submission Without Crushing the Spirit
1) Model submission first
Kids don’t learn submission mainly through commands. They learn it by watching, yes this is always Nr. 1.
Let your children see you submit to God:
praying when you’re unsure
repenting when you’re wrong
choosing integrity when it costs you
obeying the Holy Spirit in small things
Say it out loud sometimes:
“I don’t feel like doing this, but I want to obey God.”
We’ve made it a habit to ask for forgiveness in our family, make it normal, not something awkward, but showing them that we all need forgiveness and we all fall short, even mom and dad. For little children this might be a surprise but not for teenagers.
2) Teach the “why”
Children need to know that authority isn’t there to control them—it’s there to protect and guide them.
Try language like:
“God gave parents to help children grow strong.”
“Obedience keeps you safe.”
“We practice obedience here so your heart stays soft toward God.”
3) Practice daily
Submission is built through repetition.
How to give an instruction that trains submission:
• Walk close, get eye contact.
• Use the child’s name.
• Give one clear instruction (not a lecture).
• Ask for a verbal response: “Yes Mom/Dad.”
• Give them a short window to act.
• Follow through calmly if they don’t.
This removes confusion and reduces power struggles.
Start with simple, clear instructions:
“Shoes by the door.”
“Come when I call.”
“Put that away the first time.”
The key isn’t perfection. It’s practice—consistent, calm, repeated practice.
4) Teach first-time obedience
First-time obedience is not harsh. It’s not impossible—we heard that one a lot. It’s merciful, because it builds clarity and security. When a child knows what’s expected and knows you mean what you say, the home becomes calmer, not stricter.
But it must be taught. You can’t demand what you haven’t trained.
For younger kids, “training” includes:
showing them how
doing it together
helping them succeed
For everything you want to teach them, do it so during a non-conflict moment. Then, over time, you step back so they carry responsibility.
If your children can obey after you’ve counted to three, they can obey at one. Don’t train delayed obedience—it’s just a poor substitute for the real thing.
5) Correct calmly
When parents correct in anger, children don’t learn submission—they learn fear, avoidance, or rebellion.
Calm authority says:
“I’m not threatened by your emotions.”
“I love you enough to hold the line.”
“You are safe, and the boundary is firm.”
That combination—warmth and firmness—builds trust, if you feel like this calmness seems impossible to you, do seek support to get to the root of it.
Keep consequences simple:
• Immediate (close to the moment)
• Related (connected to the issue when possible)
• Calm (no threats, no rage)
• Restorative (reconnect afterward)
Your tone teaches as much as your rule.
6) Teach honor
A child can obey outwardly and still dishonor inwardly.
Honor is the heart. It shows up in tone, attitude, and respect.
You can say:
“You can be upset, but you can’t be disrespectful.”
“We can disagree with honor.”
“Try again with a gentle tone.”
What About Teenagers?
Submission in the teen years shifts form. It becomes less about “do this now” and more about:
respecting boundaries
participating in family responsibilities
receiving correction without contempt
honoring parents even when they want independence
Teens need a voice—but they still need leadership. Your parenting isn’t over yet. This season is a key window: stay firm on what matters, and give more freedom as trust is earned and respect is shown.
You’re not trying to control them. You’re shaping a heart that stays teachable. Because when they leave your house, obedience, submission, and honor don’t disappear. They’ll still need them in many areas of life—to God, in the workplace, in marriage, and in every healthy relationship where authority and accountability exist. And yes—even as parents. Because if we, as parents, are not living under submission ourselves, walking in obedience, and showing honor, then we’re not modeling what good parenting actually looks like.
When It’s Hard: Check the Parent’s Heart Too
If you’re constantly battling your child, don’t only ask, “What’s wrong with them?” Ask:
“Have I been consistent?”
“Am I leading with fear or faith?”
“Have I been emotionally available?”
“Have I apologized when I was wrong?”
“Is my home more about control than connection?”
Many times the breakthrough comes when a parent humbles themselves first.
And that, ironically, is submission too.
A 7-Day Practice to Start This Week
Try this for 7 days:
Pick one daily instruction you want your child to obey the first time.
Teach it clearly (show them what it looks like).
Practice it with encouragement.
If they refuse, apply a simple consequence calmly.
Afterward, reconnect: hug, pray, speak life.
You are building a rhythm: instruction → obedience → peace → connection.
Final Encouragement
Submission is not popular in modern culture. But it is deeply biblical—and deeply protective.
When children learn submission under loving parents, they are being prepared for the greatest freedom of all: a life surrendered to God. Because this will never go out of style.
We made it a point to teach obedience, submission, and honoring authority from the time our kids were small. Later on, we realized the weight of it.
During our missionary moves, we would usually pray separately, then come back together and share what God had placed on our hearts. And many times—honestly, probably every time—one of us wasn’t ready to surrender. So we didn’t push. We didn’t pressure. We kept praying.
And in time, the one who was resisting would recognize it was God’s will—not because the other forced it, but because we made room for the Holy Spirit to speak. For us, unity as a family has always been a major signpost.
Through that process, our kids learned something deeper than “do what you’re told.” They learned how to obey God—sometimes even when you don’t feel like it, and even when you don’t understand. Looking back, I realize this didn’t happen overnight. It was years in the making.
Now they’ve learned the kind of trust that can only grow in a loving home, not perfect, but teachable, trusting a good Father in heaven who always knows best. And yes—God’s leading isn’t always what you want. It can still be hard. But it’s where you want to be!
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